May the Farce be With You
Directed by Alison Whismore
With Melissa Ortiz, Aeron Macintyre & Leon Goertzen
Cast of Characters
Princess Leia: Very Pregnant. If possible in a white robe.
Han Solo: Looking just like Han Solo- with a huge baby bag.
Obi GYN:An Imperial Obstetrician who follows the rules
Scene
A Doctor’s Office in a Galaxy far, far away
Time
Long ago
ObiGYN is looking at paperwork. Scream heard offstage. Very pregnant Leia enters.
LEIA
Carbonite freezing reduces sperm count, he said. Ahhhh!
OBGYN
Oh! Do you have an appointment?
LEIA
I’m in labor! An appointment?! Seriously?
OBGYN
This is definitely irregular. The nurse is supposed to help you fill out Imperial Insurance forms...
Leia has a contraction that forces her into a crouch. She has the doctor by the lapels so she takes him down with her.
LEIA
Aaah! Help me, OBi GYN, you’re my only hope!
OBGYN
Oh! Okay, a few quick questions- name?
LEIA Leia
OBGYN
Occupation?
LEIA
Princess.
OBGYN
Princess! That must nice, waiting for your prince-
LEIA
No. Fuck that. Leading the Rebel Resistance kind of Princess- Aaaaaaah.
OBGYN
Oh, sorry! Right. Um. Do you have a partner?
LEIA Solo.
OBGYN
So no spouse.
LEIA
Yes, spouse. Solo. Han. His name is Han Solo.
OBGYN
Is he coming?
LEIA
Parking the Millennium Falcon. We should have been here an hour ago but he took an R2Detour.
OBGYN
I C-3PO. Your mother?
LEIA
Princess Amadalabadalalabala...
OBGYN
Any history of complications with childbirth?
LEIA
Mom died giving birth to my brother and me.
OBGYN
Are you sure you should have risked pregnancy?
LEIA
Little late for that, Obi. If you’re ever asked about the debate- make no mistake- Han shot first! Aaaaaaah!
Han Solo bursts in
SOLO There she is! Found her, Chewie! (Chewie responds from the hallway) How is she doing, doc? I’ve got the baby bag. Diapers, change of clothes-
LEIA
I’m going to kill you!
SOLO
You don’t mean that. She doesn’t mean that.
OBGYN
Into an intercom
Dr. Ackbar, I have an emergency delivery in Room 1, can you bring me a blanket?
We’re short on supplies, it’s been a madhouse. One more question, name of the mother’s father? Next of kin.
LEIA
You don’t want to know. Can you please just take this thing out of me?
SOLO
Our precious son. Who’s going to have my wit, charm, and mechanical ability, and the mitochlorines of his uncle.
LEIA
Do. Not. Start.
OBGYN
Your father’s name, please.
SOLO
Well, Sith you asked...
LEIA
Darth Vader.
SOLO AND OBGYN
Their best Luke impression.
No. Nooooooooooo! That’s not true. That’s impossible.
OBGYN
I am so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.
LEIA
It happens all the time. Aaaaah!
OBGYN
Okay, help the princess to lay on the table, Mr. Solo. Any relaxing exercises you’ve prepared... Where is Ackbar with that blanket?
SOLO
Princess, go to your happy place. Envision blowing up the Death Star, I’ll check on the blanket. Where’s Ackbar?
OBGYN
Third door on the right. Don’t go in the next room. There’s a disturbance in the fourth.
Han leaves
Breathe deeply. That’s it. Gloves.
A furry paw comes up from under the table, gives
ObiGYN the gloves. We hear an Ewok say, "Yub Nub."
Yub Nub. Deep slow breaths.
Han comes back with a blue plastic sheet.
What’s that?
SOLO
Hospital’s out of blankets. Ackbar says, "It’s a tarp!"
LEIA
Ahhhhhhh!
Solo runs over and puts his arms around her. Takes her hand. Begins breathing with her.
OBGYN
Okay, on the count of three, push like your selling Star Wars swag at Disneyland- 1, 2, 3
LEIA
Aaaaaaaaah!
Wookie sounds off-stage.
SOLO She’s okay, Chewie. How’s he look, Doc? Not all-
Han makes a messed up face.
LEIA
You make one Jaba the Hut joke and so help me God...
SOLO I’m not making a Jaba joke, but I do want to know if he looks like me. I mean, there was that-
LEIA You kiss your brother one time and- Ahhhhhhh!
OBGYN
Almost there! One more push!
LEIA
Ahhhhhhh!
Baby is born. ObiGyn wraps her in a medical gown.
SOLO
How is he, doc?
OBGYN She is beautiful.
Chewie laughs from hallway.
SOLO
Laugh it up, fuzzball.
OBIGYN
Would you like to hold her, your highness?
LEIA
Yes. I hope you’re not too disappointed, Han.
SOLO
I’m ecstatic. You’re okay, and she’s healthy-
Baby cries. Teasing Leia
Great, now I’ve got two helpless princesses ordering me around. I’ll get her a Jar-jar Binky.
LEIA
Nobody wants a Jar Jar binky.
SOLO
Sure she does. Chewie, bring in the binky.
Chewie makes a wookie sound. But then the baby’s arm can be seen raising up. The Force music plays. A binky on fishing line goes to the baby.
OBGYN
Bout time we had a female jedi.
LEIA
I’ll drink to that.
SOLO
I love you.
LEIA I know.