Captain Patriot and the Spinstress Save Democracy
Directed by Adam Niemann
With Celia Maurice, Dorian Lockett
& Anne Kobori
A classic phone onstage. It beeps like the bat phone, Captain Patriot (CP) runs in and answers it)
CP: (enters with some sort of long coat on to cover up his costume underneath) Hello? Yes…. MY GOD, you’re saying there are undecided voters who are being turned away from the polls? That’s terrible! I’ll be there right away! (hangs up phone) This looks like a job for…. the SUPER DELEGATES! (he removes his coat to reveal red, white and blue everything, and a cape (maybe an american flag) he strikes a pose and freezes)
V.O. : (deep, tv show voice) Captain Patriot, a full-blooded American with the power of superhuman star-spangled love of his country AND (Spinstress enters and strikes a pose, she wears some sort of sparkly leotard? cape? anything to make her look like an awesome super hero) The Spinstress! A daughter of the revolution who can turn any fact, poll, or anecdotal story into an idea supporting her prerogative! Their mission is to protect the voting rights of all citizens, and together they are known as: the SUPER DELEGATES!!
Spinstress: What is it Captain Patriot?
CP: There are undecided voters who need our help, and I suspect the evil Tea Party may be behind it!
Spinstress: You mean the group that pretends to love America but really wants to eliminate all government funding and put megachurch preachers on the supreme court?!
CP: None other.
Spinstress: My goodness, we have to do something! To the polls!
(Light change, Batman scene transition sfx?)
(Enter the Tea Party Princess (TPP) in a princess costume she talks to the audience, probably with a southern accent, or maybe just evil witch voice?)
TPP: Look at all these pathetic undecided voters, thinking they actually have power to change the system. Yes, yes, that’s it - vote your conscience! Did you know there’s a libertarian running for president this year? No, you won’t be throwing your vote away, he could actually win! (aside) Muwahahahah!
(Spinstress and CP enter Upstage)
Spinstress: You were right Captain Patriot, the Tea Party Princess is trying to coerce these undecided voters!
CP: She’s powered by Citizens United, she has unlimited power coming from an anonymous source and there’s little we can do to stop her.
Spinstress: But if we don’t do something, she’ll dissuade these voters from participating in democracy!
CP: I know, it scares me too…
TPP: And now, for my secret weapon! My hypno-fact-distorting-ray-gun… with this I can convince everyone that Trump is a successful businessman, and that Hillary will make all guns illegal!!
CP: Stop right there Tea Party Princess!
Spinstress: Your voter manipulation days are over!
TPP: Ah, if it isn’t the super delegates, here to foil my evil plan! There’s nothing you can do, I’ve already convinced all these voters that’s there’s no such thing as the lesser of two evils, and now I’m about to finish them off!
Spinstress: We have to stop her before it’s too late!
CP: And with an election season that’s only 18 months long, there’s never enough time! … Wait… I know, use your amazing Spin powers!
(Spinstress spins around like Wonder Woman to power up her abilities, maybe add sfx?)
TPP: Ladies and gentleman, government is bad and democracy is a fairy tale…
Spinstress: …A fairy tale with tiny american flag pins, the Super Bowl, laser tag, and bald eagles!
TPP: Your vote, means nothing. You are one of 218 million eligible voters in the US, you don’t have a voice!
Spinstress: …uh… America is a fabric with millions of threads, and we need every one to weave a beautiful tapestry.
TPP: The wealthiest in this country have all the power, money is free speech you know! You poor people should just go home and watch “Dancing with the Stars” and leave the voting to the 1%.
Spinstress: (she starts to waver and lose her power) Yea… but, we have high rates of adult illiteracy and we invented corn dogs!
TPP: (she grows stronger) Never ending war, corruption, a broken economy - that’s what these politicians offer you!
Spinstress: (Getting weaker) But… merica… flag pins… I’m losing power Captain Patriot, I just can’t spin her never-ending “Reaganarchy” … that’s a word I made up for Right wing Reagen worshippers who want to eliminate as much of the government as possible.
TPP: Even if your candidate wins, they won’t be beholden to you - they’ll be puppets for the Banks, the Oil companies, and the Military Industrial Complex!
CP: I can help you Spinstress! Sound booth! I need the most patriotic music you can muster!
Sound Booth: You got it Captain Patriot!
(Sound booth begins to play R.O.C.K in the USA by Mellencamp)
(CP Begins to dance and sing along, TPP becomes entranced in the dancing and loses power)
TPP: (her power weakening) What’s…happening?!
CP: There’s no way you can resist my sweet moves.
TPP: I… Can’t… help… myself (she starts to dance along as if controlled by an unknown power)
Spinstress: You’re doing it Captain Patriot! (to the aud) And remember folks, government is never perfect, but together we can make things better! We can work towards a world where people of all colors, creeds, religions, and races can live in peace and pursue their own happiness!!
TPP: Wooohooo! I love this song! (they all sing and dance)
V.O. Once again, America is safe and people across the country can vote with confidence - all thanks to the power of dance… and the SUPER DELEGATES!!!!!
NOTES: I have a shiny cape, a red white and blue cowboy hat, and a silly looking water gun which can be used for costumes/props.
I’m open to changes and edits - just let me know