Some Liketh It Hot
Directed by Aeron Macintyre
Featuring Laura Peterson, Nima Slone & Randy Russell
Cast of Characters
Viola: Awesome heroine from 12th Night. Wearing a mustache andtrousers.What? She totally i s.
Lady Macbeth: Awesome heroine from Macbeth.
Hamlet: He’s Hamlet.
Scene
An Elizabethan bar. Somewhere between Illyria, Scotland, and Denmark.
Time
Tonight. Or maybe late 16th century. But totally night time.
Lady Macbeth sips red wine. Viola drinks straight
whiskey.
LADY MACBETH
I don’t understand the problem.
VIOLA
Well, I’m in love with Orsino.
LADY MACBETH
Uh, huh. Love is good. Not as nice as a crown, but definitely a marvelous sensation.
VIOLA
But he thinks I’m a man. And the woman he’s in love with, Olivia, she’s in love with me because she thinks I’m a man, too.
LADY MACBETH
Why do they think you’re a man, Viola? Did you get evil spirits to unsex you?
VIOLA
No, they think I’m a man because I told them I was Cesario. And I’m dressed like this.
LADY MACBETH
That’s it? That’s all you had to do? I didn’t know you could do that...
VIOLA
Yeah, you can, but you end up in heartbreaking love triangles!
LADY MACBETH
But still eligible for the monarchy. I mean, purely hypothetically speaking, you could still be queen.
VIOLA
King.
LADY MACBETH
King! Even better. Seriously, I don’t see the problem.
(Hamlet enters. All in black. Tights. He has a fancy cocktail with an umbrella.)
HAMLET
You think you have problems?
(Hamlet puts his skull on the table.)
LADY MACBETH
Oh sweet baby Jesus, not you again. Barkeep, I need a new glass of red. This one has a spot.
HAMLET
Hi, Cesario. Hi, Lady M-.
LADY MACBETH
Don’t say it. We’ll have half the bar spinning and spitting.
VIOLA
How’s it hanging, Hambone?
HAMLET
Same as usual. Existential dread. Inability to get the ol’ dagger up- LADY MACBETH
I still don’t see the problem, though. Surely they knowdeep down that you’re not a man.
(Hamlet gets up, ready to defend his honor.)
HAMLET
Who’s he that calls me coward? Plucks me by theybeard- LADY MACBETH
Woah, tiger, not you.
(Hamlet sits back down.)
HAMLET
Who then? Cesario?! No way. Cesario has a mustache.
(Lady Macbeth points to Viola. Viola removes her mustache. Hamlet falls off his
chair.)
What the?! I don’t know who I am anymore. Up is down,
black is white, ghosts walking the parapets...
LADY MACBETH
Seriously? A fake mustache, Viola? That’s all it takes?
VIOLA
Pretty much.
LADY MACBETH
Why did I marry?
HAMLET
Oh my gosh, does Orsino know?
VIOLA
No, that’s the problem.
HAMLET
That is a problem. And poor Olivia’s going to shit a brick.
LADY MACBETH
You could kill him.
VIOLA
What?
LADY MACBETH
You could kill him. Then he would never find out. Put some sleeping potion in his- VIOLA
I don’t see how that fixes anything. And there’s still the Olivia situ- LADY MACBETH
Kill her, too.
VIOLA
I’m not killing anyone.
HAMLET
Wait, what was the first step? Sleeping potion?
LADY MACBETH
Why? It’s a perfectly elegant solution. Then you wouldn’t have to share the crown.
VIOLA
I’m not after the crown.
LADY MACBETH
I’m not either, who said I was?
HAMLET
I am, but my uncle has it and he has icky ear poison.
LADY MACBETH
Well, you’re not after the crown and you don’t want to kill anyone, so what on earth do you want?
VIOLA
Orsino. I want love. With Orsino.
LADY MACBETH
Huh. That’s it? Takes all kinds, I guess.
HAMLET
Look, I’m hardly one to give advice, but... do you like being Cesario?
VIOLA
Other than the heartbreak and random duel challenges, yeah. There’s a certain freedom in trousers. I can do things they would never let a lady do.
HAMLET
Do you feel just the teensiest bit like Cesario is a real part of you? Just like Viola is?
VIOLA
I do. Yeah.
HAMLET
You look great. Some are born great.
LADY MACBETH
Some achieve greatness.
HAMLET
Some have greatness "thrust upon them." Do you get the impression that he’s into you? Late night "guy talks" that get grabby?
VIOLA
How did you know? It’s confusing because he keeps sending me to woo Olivia, but otherwise it’s kinda hot.
HAMLET
Beautiful, you don’t need to do a thing. Why decide? Viola/Cesario is hot. Some Liketh it Hot. Let time untangle this. You be you, honey.
VIOLA
Thank you. I’m gonna go stuff my codpiece.
HAMLET
Mustache!
(They hug. Viola grabs mustache and exits.)
LADY MACBETH
Uncle has your crown, huh?
(Lady Macbeth picks up her purse, a dagger falls out.)
Oopsie.
HAMLET
Is this a dagger I see before me?
LADY MACBETH
Feel like screwing your courage to the sticking place?