The Wookie Option
Directed by Ray Renati
With Darek Burkowski and Christian Haines
A desk at center stage. Seated at the desk is DUKE FODA, an executive. He is chewing gum. Across from Duke is DAR VALO, a former storm trooper.
DUKE Yeah, when the empire fell after that pussy kid killed the
Emperor and Vader, it left a power vacuum in the galaxy.
He takes a flask out of his jacket and takes a swig.
DUKE You want some of this Bantha Blood?
No, no I'm fine.
DUKE It's not really Bantha Blood. It's booze, get it?
VALO I know what Bantha Blood is, Mr Foda.
DUKE Look who's snappy all of a sudden. You want this job or not,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yes, Yes I absolutely want this job.
Good. Now where was I?
Uhh, power vacuum.
DUKE Right. Yeah. So the Emperor's gone, Vader's gone, and who do you think steps in to run all the gambling, prostitution, and murder?
DUKE No, dipshit. The SCION corporation. I wish I'd thought of it. You sure you don't want some of this Bantha Blood? It'll put hair on your picnic parts.
DUKE Yeah, it's what my Grandma used to call your junk. It's funny, right? It's funny 'cause it's like she's talking about your junk without actually talking about your junk. Ha!
VALO Why was your Grandma talking to you about your genitalia?
Duke ignores this comment.
DUKE Look, kid. I got three questions I ask anyone who comes into this office lookin' for a job. You ready?
I was born ready.
I'll drink to that.
Duke takes a swig from his flask.
DUKE Question number one: What was your last job?
VALO Well, actually, I... uh... I used to be a stormtrooper.
DUKE Ha! Really? The guys with the shitty plastic armor and terrible aim?
I was pretty good...
DUKE You guys probably couldn't hit one of those giant walkers if
it was right in front of ya! You know what I mean? Walkers? Ya know, they're all-
He proceeds to do an impression of an AT-AT Walker with his arms.
VRRRrrrr-ga-CHUNK. VRRRRrrrr-ga-chunk! Ya know. Walkers?
Yeah, I uh... I used to drive one.
Oh. So you do know. (beat) Wait a sec. Weren't all you guysclones or somethin'?
VALO Well, we all used to be clones. But then the Jedi destroyed the cloning facility on Kamino, and the Empire outsourced to-
DUKE Yeah, yeah. I'm already bored. Question number two. Why do you want to work for the SCION corporation?
VALO Well, it all began a long time ago-
Valo stands and moves downstage to face the audience, as Luke's theme from episode IV plays.
VALO -in a galaxy... well, in this galaxy, actually. My mother and
father were spice smugglers in the outer rim, and despite the lucrative nature of their business-
Duke has moved from his chair to stand behind Valo.
-my father, he... he owed thousands of credits to a Hutt named Danta. We were hunted across the sector by anyone with a blaster. I had no friends. I was always alone.
DUKE (moving his hand to Valo’s shoulder)
The force can be a harsh mistress. I feel for ya, kid.
DUKE No. Look. I don't want your life story, I want to either hire you or kick you the hell outta my office so I can wank it to this new Twi'lek Dancer hologram I just got.
DUKE So. Why. Do you. Want to work. Here.
VALO I just... I just need a job, man.
DUKE Honesty. I like it. Question number three. If I gave you one million credits, right now... would you be willing to star in a Wookie porno? Specifically, a Wookie bukkake-orgy?
VALO What? No. Is that... is that what this interview is about? Are... are you a holo-porn producer?
DUKE Come on. Million credits. You could pay off your father's debt to the Hutts...
VALO The Hutts fed him to the Sarlacc on Tatooine.
DUKE Oh. Well, how about a sweet-ass tie-fighter, huh? Maybe an apartment in the Cloud City on Bespin? A Million credits for riding a river of Wookie cum. Whaddya think, kid?
Are you serious right now?
There's a pregnant pause.
DUKE Nah. I just wanted to see how you’d react. You’re hired.
Just like that?
Duke (Shaking Valo's hand)
Yeah. You’re funny. I like funny. Welcome to the SCION corporation, kid. You will never find a more wretched hive of-
-scum and villainy?
DUKE No, of assholes and money grubbers. Don’t interrupt me.
Um... what exactly is the job? The ad was a little unclear.
DUKE You know the trash compactors in all these buildings? The ones with the giant, garbage-eating monsters in them?
Yeah, you clean those now. That's your job.
Valo moves to the exit, dejected. He stops and turns back to Foda.
VALO Is the Wookie option still on the table?