Maleficent 7


Directed by Aeron Macintyre

Featuring Mark Vashro & Megan Luis

A nearly empty cabin. JEA and BOB enter. They carry the bare minimum to spend the night there.

BOB:

This is it.

JEA:

Okay.

BOB:

What do you think?

JEA:

It'll do.

BOB:

What do you mean?

JEA:

Well. it's not quite how you described it.

BOB:

I know. I didn't know if you'd come up here if I was honest.

JEA:

Well, I guess you don't have to be totally honest, as long as you're totally loyal.

She grabs his ass and stares him down. After a moment JEA breaks.

JEA; (Cont'd):

I was totally kidding.

BOB:

Oh, thank God! I mean, not that I don't have every intention of... I'm with you; totally.

JEA:

I get it. We're on the same page.

BOB:

Good!

JEA:

Okay, so is there somewhere to shower up or do you want me stinky.

BOB:

Uh, I... (they laugh) down the hall and to the right.

JEA exits to the shower. There is a moment of palpable apprehension as BOB decides if he's going to do what he is about to do. He then suddenly springs into action. Throughout the following dialogue he sets up the most elaborate den of iniquity possible in the time allowed.

JEA:(OFF)

So how many girls have you brought up here?

BOB:

Oh, uh... What do you mean?

JEA:(OFF)

C'mon BOB, it's okay. I can't be the first.

BOB:

No, I swear. I haven't been up here since I was a teenager and I could never get any girls to come up here... (realizing what he just said) not that I'd try to...

JEA:(OFF)

Yoo Hoo, I can't hear you; the showers too loud.

BOB:

Right, thanks.

JEA:(OFF)

What?

BOB:

Nothing.

(a moment)

JEA:(OFF)

So.... never?

BOB:

What?

JEA:(OFF)

You never brought any girls up here?

BOB:

Jea, this is not a place to bring chicks.. girls... women. It's a hunting cabin.

JEA:(OFF)

So, your telling me that you never brought any other "chicks" up here for a little "sump'n, sump'n"?

BOB:

ONCE! Her name was Sheila, I met her in college and she meant nothing to me.

JEA:(OFF)

Uh, huh.

BOB:

She thought she was way too good for me. I only wanted her because she was hot.

JEA:(OFF)

Hotter than me?

BOB:

NO! No way. You're much hotter.

JEA:(OFF)

More details, please.

BOB:

What? No. I'm not...

JEA:(OFF)

C'mon. I promise I won't live up to my name.

BOB is stumped.

BOB:

Your name?

JEA:(OFF)

What?

BOB:

What about your name?

The shower stops.

JEA:(OFF)

Jealousy.

BOB:

Your name is Jealousy? I thought it was Jea.

JEA:(OFF)

Yeah. Jea is short for Jealousy. You don't think I'd want to broadcast that, do you?

BOB:

I... guess not. Why would your parents name you Jealousy?

JEA:(OFF)

My Dad was a bit of a zealot. Seven kids, seven deadly sins; Pride, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth and Jealousy.

BOB:

Isn't it supposed to be "Envy"?

JEA:(OFF)

I guess he thought Jealousy sounded better.

BOB:

Better than Sloth or Gluttony, that's for sure.

JEA enters looking awesome. She looks around the room at the set-up.

JEA:

Are you sure you've only done this once?

BOB:

Surprise! And, no, I've never done this. All Sheila got was a double sleeping bag and a blow-up mattress.

JEA:

Oh, my... I feel so special.

BOB:

Don't get a big head or anything.

JEA:

What?

BOB:

It was a joke... you know, Pride?

JEA:

Funny.

She goes into the other room.

BOB:

So, what's he like... I mean I'm assuming he's a he.

JEA:(OFF)

Was. He was a great guy. He saved my life.

BOB:

You mean literally?

JEA:(OFF)

Yeah. My Dad was... Can we talk about something else? I'm kinda losing the vibe...

BOB:

Yeah, sure. Sorry.

JEA:(OFF)

I want to talk about what you have cooking out there. What do you have in store for me?

BOB:

If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise.

JEA:(OFF)

That is the corniest excuse. Pathetic. I'm having doubts.

BOB:

Don't be a hater...

Jea enters wearing a powerful piece of lingerie and carrying a riding crop. She is a different person. Strong, arrogant and completely in control.

JEA:

In fact, why don't you start showing your appreciation right now. Bring me champagne and fruit.

She goes and lies down on the bed of pillows BOB has set out. BOB brings her champagne and fruit.

BOB:

This is different...

JEA:

QUIET! Did I ask you to speak?!?

BOB:

Yes!... I mean, no, not exactly...

She hits him with the riding crop.

BOB: (Cont'd)

Oww!! Hey, sweety...

She hits him again.

BOB: (CONT'D)

WHOA!

He realizes that he's about to get smacked again so shuts up.

JEA:

Alright. Now that we have that settled...

She seems to drop out of a trance state.

JEA: (CONT'D):

I'm hungry.

BOB:

Well, I brought you the fruit.

She sees the fruit as if it were the first time.

JEA:

Nice. Apples... and champagne!!

She downs them both.

JEA: (CONT'D):

So, what have you got planned?

BOB:

Should I speak now?

JEA:

Of course! treat me like a Princess.

BOB:

Okay. How about this?

He puts on some sexy jazz. He starts to dance with her.

JEA:

Ooo. Nice move, sir.

BOB: (SOUTHERN ACCENT)

Why thank you ma'am. I do try to please...

JEA:

Don't do that...

BOB: (SOUTHERN ACCENT)

What? you don't like gentlemen from the South?...

JEA suddenly switches to yet another personality.

JEA:

Oh, yeah! I like goin' down south!!

she falls to her knees. BOB jumps away.

BOB:

AIII!! What the heck, Jea? Can we go a little slower?

JEA:

No. Slow is for pussies!

She starts to chase him around the room.

BOB:

C'mon. I hope you don't think that this is all I wanted.

JEA:

It's all I've wanted! Ever since you walked in the door, it's all that's been on my mind!

BOB:

You could have fooled me!

He picks up a chair to ward her off.

JEA:

Oooo. Little kitty playing hard to get?

She lunges at him. He slams the chair down on the ground and roars.

BOB:

STOP!

She snaps out of it. She becomes a little girl.

JEA:

Me stop? You stop. Stop with that fucking accent. It makes me sick.

She runs off.

BOB:

What the fuck? (pause) Listen; are you okay? I mean, do you need... anything?

She reenters as if nothing happened.

JEA:

No, everything looks yummy. C'mon, let's sit and… get to know each other better.

BOB:

Yeah... sure. Sounds great.

He lays down on the pillows with her.

JEA:

You know, nobody's ever gone to this much trouble for me. I really appreciate it. It's nice.

BOB:

Well, you're worth it. Listen, I'd like to talk about what just happened. We have to talk about what just happened.

JEA:

What happ...

She blacks out.

BOB:

Jea, c'mon. We have to talk about this. Jea?

She is totally out. He starts getting more and more concerned.

BOB: (CONT'D)

Jea! Jea!!

He checks her vitals. He tries to revive her. Just as he gets out his phone and starts calling 911, she begins snoring.

BOB: (CONT'D)

Jesus. Can you give me a break here? (slapping her) Jea! Jea!!

She wakes up.

JEA:

Yeah? Oh, wow! I must have dozed off there or something.

BOB:

Ya think?

JEA:

God, I'm so hungry.

She begins shoveling food in her mouth.

BOB:

Oh, I get it! This is some kind of sermon, right? "The Seven Deadly Sins"... your brothers and sisters. What were they? Pride, Lust, Sloth and now Gluttony, is that how it goes?

She looks at him like he's insane.

JEA:

What bug crawled up your ass? I'm hungry. Is that a sin?

BOB:

Jea, what's your perception of what has transpired since you got out of the shower.

JEA:

What?... We laid on the pillows talked a little, had some fruit and champagne...

BOB:

And...? What about the other stuff? The... and the...

JEA:

Look, BOB I'm not into anything but having a nice relaxed weekend in a cabin in the wilderness with my new boyfriend. Whatever happens in between is gravy. Can we just hang out and have fun? I really like you.

BOB:

I like you too! It's just I'm getting a little whiplashed here.

She goes to him.

JEA:

Oh, my poor baby. Here, come over and lay down.

She gets him comfortable and starts feeding him grapes.

BOB:

Okay... this is nice. This was supposed to be for you.

JEA:

It's for both of us.

BOB:

You know, you are not anything like I thought when we met.

JEA:

What did you think?

BOB:

I don't know... successful junior lawyer at a prestigious law firm, driven, reserved, in control...

JEA:

You think I'm out of control?

BOB:

No... I...

JEA:

Just kidding. I know I'm in control. What do you think of me now?

BOB:

I don't know what to think. You're so... unpredictable.

JEA:

You like?

BOB:

Well... yeah. I guess I just gotta hold on tight and go along for the ride.

JEA:

Yup. You know, I was thinking maybe we could take a hike up to that hill I saw on the way in and watch the sunset.

BOB:

Sure! It's really nice up there.

JEA:

Well, let's go, cowboy. Times a wasting!

She jumps up and runs off. BOB sits there a moment, then gets up and follows her. blackout. Lights come back up and Jea comes on wearing a down vest, hiking boots, shorts and a hat.

JEA:

C'mon, Bobby boy! Get your ass in here!

BOB: (off)

Coming!

stumbles on, exhausted.

BOB: (CONT'D)

Wow, that last... 245 yards was a doozy. You've got a lot of energy.

JEA:

Yep. And I'm saving some for you later.

BOB:

Oh, boy!

JEA:

That was fun!

BOB:

It sure was.

He comes up behind her and they stand there enthralled with each other. There is a real connection.

JEA:

This is really nice.

BOB:

You're telling me? ....

Jea:

Do you ever think about... the future? What comes next? I mean, what are your dreams?

BOB:

I'm pretty happy right now. I guess I'd like to have a family some day. A house in the country...

JEA: (JERSEY ACCENT)

Are you serious? That's so schmaltsie. I mean what do you really want? What are your deepest desires?

BOB:

Wow, that's a harsh judgement. Financial security...

JEA: (JERSEY ACCENT)

YES!! Exactly! I want to be able to afford to kill somebody and get away with it.

(moment)

What?

BOB:

Well... I mean... what the fuck are you talking about? You want to kill somebody?

JEA: (JERSEY ACCENT)

No! I want to be able to AFFORD to kill someone and get away with it.

BOB:

What's the difference?

JEA:

BOB, you're becoming a real drag, you know that? I'm just kidding. It's more to do with money than human life.

BOB:

So... Greed. Is that the "sin" we're dealing with now?

JEA:

Wow, you are really hung up on this "seven deadly sins" thing, aren't you? I thought you of all people would be a little more open minded.

BOB:

Well...

JEA:

Okay, what do you want to know?

BOB:

Um... okay... What was your... brother?... sloth like?

JEA:

We call her Sue. She's my sister and she lives in Denver with her husband and two kids. She's a microbiologist and her husband is the CEO of "Tire Rack" the online tire distribution outlet.

BOB:

Oh... okay. What are the kids names?

JEA:

Stampede and Shumway. (beat) I'm kidding. Sarah and Silas. Kind of an illiteration.

BOB:

Funny. I guess it's just a little weird, you know? You're whole family?... What was your Dad's name?

JEA:

Silas... and my Mothers name is Sarah... spooky, huh?

BOB:

What?

JEA:

Never mind! This is silly, BOB. My family is my family. We're dysfunctional but whose family isn't? Can we move on?

BOB:

Yeah. I guess you're right. Boy, if you got to know my family...

JEA:

I'm sure I'd be dazzled and confused. All families bear their closets of insanity.

BOB:

How profound. But what kind of insanity; not knowing your son's name or not knowing the difference between right and wrong?

JEA:

Oh, my God. Is this hitting too close to home? Did your father not know your name?

BOB:

No, but I watched my Father go through it with his Father.

JEA:

Well, that's not the same. Can you imagine your Father looking at you and saying "It was very nice meeting you...".

BOB:

Wow! Talk about buzz kill.

JEA:

Sorry, you're right. Let's just drop it.

They do.

BOB:

Do you remember the first day we met?

JEA:

You thought I was a bitch.

BOB:

And you thought I was a... what did you think I was?

JEA:

I thought you were a cute, smart, quirky guy that I could get to like if he were tough enough to stick around long enough to break through my layers of protective shell.

BOB:

How am I doing?

JEA:

Not bad, professor.

They kiss.

BOB:

What do you say we pop some popcorn over the fire, drink some more champagne and make out.

JEA:

How 'bout we screw the popcorn and champagne.

Blackout. when lights come up, BOB and JEA are on the pillows again. They have finished an epic Lovemaking session.

BOB:

Oh, my God! The seas have parted and the ark of the covenent has dropped in my lap!

JEA:

And I just conquered K-2!

BOB:

Huh?

JEA:

Mountain in Tibet... pretty difficult climb.