Bardlandia, Verily Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth
Directed by Melissa Ortiz
With Christian Haines & Robyn Grahn
Cast of Characters
Lynn: A model employee. Perky and efficient. Totally over Evan. Uggg, Evan. Totally over him.
Totally.
Evan: OhmyGod, please not Lynn. Anyone but Lynn. Todd, you
owe me a shift. Damnit.
Scene
Bardlandia. Shakespearean Theme Park that in no way resembles Disneyland. On a ride called Canon Quest that in no way resembles Splash Mountain. Elizabethan muzak plays cheerily.
LYNN EVAN
Oh my God. Not Don’t blame me, I tried to switch, no one was free.
you. I can’t believe this.
Son of a-
Lights shift and Lynn talks directly to the audience.
LYNN
Oh! Hi! Good morrow, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re enjoying your day at Bardlandia, Verily Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth. Welcome aboard Canon Quest! Please keep thine arms and legs inside the bark at all times and remain seated until the bark has come to a complete and full stop.
EVAN
What would an incomplete full stop look like?
Lynn discreetly kicks Evan’s shin.
I’m Squire Evan.
LYNN
And I’m Maid Lynn, we’ll be your hosts through the shire. Lower the bar-d across thy laps, and prepare for a wild ride!
Sound of splashing. Lynn and Evan sway gently as the ride progresses.
EVAN
Gentles all, please take a moment to locate the nearest Exit sign, it will be marked with a Bear. After the ride, you may purchase your portrait at the kiosk. Those of you in the front row are in the "Splash Zone." Arms Up means plastic up!
LYNN
While the following attractions worked beautifully and were very popular when the park opened, they are currently experiencing "Problems":
EVAN
All’s Well that Ends- Not so Well, as it turns out.
Lynn glares at him.
Merchant of Venice Gondolas,
LYNN
And Taming of the Shrew will be closed until further notice; it won’t work without substantial fixes.
EVAN
On your left you will see Bardlandia’s Coffee Shoppe: The Wired Sisters. Enjoy your Double Double-
LYNN
Without the Toil and Trouble. And on your right is Henry 8th’s All You Can Eat Buffet-
EVAN
A deal so great, you’ll lose your head. The Julius Caesar salad is great.
LYNN
And my personal favorite eatery, Titus’ Pie Shoppe. Let’s give Titus a hand! He could use it.
Evan and Lynn clap.
EVAN
Our first stop is Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrowland. Each day creeps on his petty pace-
LYNN
Squire Evan would know a thing or two about creeps...
EVAN
And Maid Lynn can tell you all about pettiness. As we wind through the tragedies, remember lads and lasses, you must be at least this tall to ride Lear’s Descent into Madness.
LYNN Next stop, The Enchanted Forest of Arden. Enjoy one of the park’s most popular attractions, All The World’s A Stage After All. Tag us on Facebook, as you like it.
EVAN
Wander through the forest, hang verses on the the trees. Watch out for cross dressing women, though, gents, sometimes the moustache is real.
He looks directly at Lynn.
LYNN
Be sure to get your personalized ruff collar. Squire Evan is committed to the authentic Shakespearean look. If the Rogaine doesn’t work he’ll be sporting the Bard’s coiff in no time.
EVAN
Coming up on the right you will see Hamlet’s Haunted Parapets. Maybe you’ll spot the ghost of Maid Lynn’s vanishing youth and beauty.
LYNN
Squire Evan can’t tell a hawk from a handsaw, but he sure knows about enseamed beds and ladies who protest too much.
Clicking as the boat goes up, up, up!
EVAN
If you look below us as we descend you’ll see Prospero’s Bookshop. Behind that you will find the maze in Authorship Alley.
LYNN
Test your knowledge about Squire Evan’s specialty- Double Falsehood.
EVAN
Did he really write that? The twists and turns of authorship conspiracy logic can be dizzying and confusing- like Lynn’s delusions.
LYNN
Oh look, way down there you can see Cleopatra’s Burnished Barge.
EVAN
Here we go...
LYNN One beverage at Falstaff’s Inn, and Evan can’t help admiring Cleo’s Asp. Those two sneak off one night-
EVAN
Ask Lynn for directions to Othello’s attraction- she’s intimately familiar with the Green Eyed Monster’s Emotional Roller Coaster.
LYNN
Don’t you think Evan’s ready to play Antony? He’s already the King of De Nile.
Last click. They look over the edge!
EVAN AND LYNN
Arms up! Smile!
Arms up! Scream! SPLASH! Picture flash while someone throws water on them! Beat. Then sweet Renaissance music plays again.
EVAN
Lynn, I asked Claudio to switch my shift. What do you want me to do? It was all a Midsummer misunderstanding, Lynn, what the Puck-
LYNN
Kill Claudio.
LYNN
I never would have believed in faeries, kids, but sprites bearing aphroditic flowers is the only way I can explain how I woke up next to a complete ASS!
VOICE OF CLEO
Good Morrow, greetings from Cleopatra in Egypt! Attention star-crossed lovers everywhere! It’s time for a message of love, we recorded this from one of our very own park employees, Squire Evan:
LYNN
A love note to Cleopatra and I’m delusional?!
Evan tries to kill the speakers but is full-body tackled by Lynn. They wrestle during the recording.
EVAN
NO NO NOnonononono! I cancelled that! Shit! Kid, can I borrow your sword? Kill the speakers! Kill all the speakers!
NERVOUS VOICE OF EVAN 6 MONTHS AGO
Umm... is this on? Okay. Maid Lynn, the last year has been the best of my life. I know there’s beggary in love that can be reckoned, but hear my soul speak, the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to your service. In short, Maid Lynn, doubt that stars are fire, doubt the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
Awwwwwwwwwww... from people in the park. Lynn and Evan stop wrestling, wet and exhausted.
EVAN
Go ahead and make fun of me. I snuck out with Cleo 6 months ago to record that, I didn’t know what was going to happen to us. Hero was supposed to erase that.
LYNN
I still have your picture in my locker. Just for spitball target practice.
EVAN
I was never interested in Cleo-
LYNN
Peace, I will stop your mouth.
She kisses him. They start making out. Sound of brakes and splash, the ride abruptly stops. Lynn falls off of Evan. They both stand up.
EVAN
Enjoy your day at Bardlandia.
LYNN
Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth.