THE WEIRD-ASS TAQUERIA OF THE MIND
Directed by Jon Wai-keung Lowe
Featuring Heren Patel &
EXPERIMENTER - A man in his 20s or 30s.
SUBJECT - A man in his 20s or 30s.
EXPERIMENTER
So your bedroom's in there. It's the small one, but you get the good closet.
SUBJECT
Cool, cool.
EXPERIMENTER
This is the living room. I mean, obviously. Make yourself at home in here. I'm not proprietary, what's mine is yours--you know, no feet on the couch or anything, but make yourself completely at home.
SUBJECT
Sure, cool.
EXPERIMENTER
Here's the bathroom. Just one, but we're both dudes, so...
SUBJECT
Right, yeah.
EXPERIMENTER
No creams everywhere! Just... shaving, and shaving stuff. Not much of anything is what I mean.
SUBJECT
Pretty much.
EXPERIMENTER
The bottom shelf in the medicine cabinet is for you.
SUBJECT
Okay.
EXPERIMENTER
The kitchen's through here. Spices are in here. Here's where I keep the dry goods. Anything you want to use of mine is fine, anything you want to eat, help yourself--unless it has a little piece of red tape on it. Like this sea salt? I got this in Morocco, so, it's sort of special, so just, you know, if you want to use something with red tape on it just ask first.
SUBJECT
You could've just put the red tape on stuff I *could* eat instead of the stuff I couldn't. It would've been a lot less tape.
EXPERIMENTER
I want this to be a communal--or, let's say, community--living experience.
SUBJECT
It's cool if we're in community and I don't eat your food.
EXPERIMENTER
Sure, great, I'm glad you're so understanding. I'm sure we're going to get along really well. (Pause.) I'm going to just keep doing the tape because I've already got all this stuff with tape on it.
SUBJECT
So what part of this is the study you're doing? Is it the tape thing?
EXPERIMENTER
Oh, no, that's just what I've always done with roommates.
SUBJECT
So what's the study?
EXPERIMENTER
It's a cohabitation study.
SUBJECT
That just means living in the same apartment, right?
EXPERIMENTER
(Pause.) Oh! Yes, right, it doesn't imply any--
SUBJECT
Okay good. Because with the whole no-rent-for-a-month thing I was kinda wondering what the catch was.
EXPERIMENTER
No catch! I'll just ask you to fill out a questionnaire every night. Not just you--I'm doing one too! I'm taking my own medicine.
SUBJECT
What kind of questions?
EXPERIMENTER
I don't want to spoil the surprise. No, seriously, they're really boring. They're about your mental well being, how you feel about yourself, about me, about the world--
SUBJECT
That doesn't sound very scientific.
EXPERIMENTER
Well, I can assure you Psychology is a science.
SUBJECT
Yeah I didn't say it wasn't. But I guess you don't really tell me what the real part of the experiment is, right? So you might say it's about the form, but really it's about something completely different.
EXPERIMENTER
I don't want to go into the nuts and bolts of the methodology because I don't want to influence the outcome.
SUBJECT
That's a big fuckin' mirror. (Indicates the fourth wall of the stage.)
EXPERIMENTER
It's a one-way mirror. There's an observation room on the other side.
SUBJECT
(Laughs as if it's a joke, then wonders. Pause.) Okay. Well, you can just leave the form or whatever on my bed because I'm going to be out pretty late tonight.
EXPERIMENTER
Oh, well, actually--the study has started already, so...
SUBJECT
So?
EXPERIMENTER
So you can't actually leave.
SUBJECT
Can't leave what?
EXPERIMENTER
The apartment.
SUBJECT
In what sense?
EXPERIMENTER
Like, physically?
SUBJECT
I can't physically leave the apartment?
EXPERIMENTER
That was what you agreed to.
SUBJECT
Agreed when?
EXPERIMENTER
You checked the checkbox on the application. I assume that means you read the terms and conditions?
SUBJECT
No one reads those.
EXPERIMENTER
That would explain why we got more applicants than I was expecting.
SUBJECT
Well, I'm un-checking the checkbox. I mean, I can hang out with you tomorrow if that's the deal, but I am going out tonight, so, have a nice study and I'll fill out your forms in the morning.
SUBJECT goes to the door. It is locked.
EXPERIMENTER
We actually can't leave. Either of us.
SUBJECT
Then I quit.
EXPERIMENTER
You literally can't. Sorry--I thought you understood.
SUBJECT
Yeah I'm having a little trouble getting my head around it.
EXPERIMENTER
I'm having doubts myself, believe me! But that's the, uh... That's how the experiment is structured.
SUBJECT
Structure this. (Makes an obscene gesture.) I'm out.
SUBJECT goes to exit. The door is locked. He struggles with the door and attempts to open it by force. He does not succeed.
EXPERIMENTER
It's a pretty good door. Sorry.
SUBJECT returns.
SUBJECT
You realize this is the kind of thing that might lead a person to behave in an unpredictable way, right?
EXPERIMENTER
Isn't science exciting?
SUBJECT
So what's your contingency plan? I mean, all you know about me is that I can type or I know somebody who can type, and I got through your form and clicked the "submit" button. There are a lot of different ways this could go.
EXPERIMENTER
Well, we are, uh, being observed. I mean, there won't always be a researcher in the observation room--but I think if you were to become violent they might, um, call the police and take you to jail. I will admit that's not how I anticipated the study playing out.
SUBJECT bangs on the one-way mirror. He addresses the researcher who may or may not be on the other side.
SUBJECT
Hey! If you're in there, I've got something to say. You listening? Your consent process is bullshit.
EXPERIMENTER
I hope it won't be too much of an inconvenience for you. But it was my understanding that you are a... freelancer? You work remotely? And we do have WiFi here, so--
SUBJECT
I'm not a freelancer that's just what you put on a housing thing so it doesn't sound like you don't have a job.
EXPERIMENTER
If you'd permit me to suggest a reframing, then--
SUBJECT
I do not permit that.
EXPERIMENTER
We could really do some good here.
SUBJECT
What good exactly?
EXPERIMENTER
Science is rarely an exact good.
SUBJECT
That is a bullshit answer.
EXPERIMENTER
If you think of the human story as one of accumulating knowledge, wisdom, and understanding over time--not individually, but as a species--
SUBJECT
No one thinks of it that way.
EXPERIMENTER
We've got the opportunity to make a contribution to an exquisite tower of intricate knowledge that goes back to before our species even started to write things down. If we can add just one tiny, delicate, snowflake of knowledge, then we're a part of something bigger and more important than ourselves.
SUBJECT
I seriously don't care about that at all.
EXPERIMENTER
Then why are you here?
SUBJECT collects himself in preparation of reminding EXPERIMENTER why he is locked in that apartment.
EXPERIMENTER (continued)
Sorry. I didn't mean why are you locked in this apartment. I mean, why are you alive? Why are any of us? (Pause.) If you can't answer that then being locked in this room is the least of your problems.
SUBJECT
I don't like people who think they've got a "purpose." They're the assholes knocking on doors and passing out fliers and starting wars. My "purpose" in life is to fuck around on the internet. People like me don't lock other people up for science.
EXPERIMENTER
And they never cure cancer.
SUBJECT
And neither did anybody ever! That was a bad example. You're terrible at everything about this.
EXPERIMENTER
This is uncharted territory. We're going to take a few wrong turns.
SUBJECT
In my head right now, I'm sorting through so many ways to express how I feel that I need to go into my room for a little while or I'm afraid I might just pick one at random.
EXPERIMENTER
We haven't talked about chores.
SUBJECT
No, we haven't.
SUBJECT goes to his room and closes the door. EXPERIMENTER approaches the one-way mirror. He speaks to the researcher who may or may not be on the other side.
EXPERIMENTER
Professor. I don't know if you're in there or not, or if you saw how that went. That was, uh, a significantly more adversarial start to the experiment then I was expecting. It makes me question some of the items I chose to include on the questionnaire, but I don't feel like it would be appropriate to modify any of my prepared materials. If I start changing the rules, where does that end? Right? In any case, it's good to know you're watching. Or, I guess, it's good to think you might be, even if I can't ever know for sure. (Pause.) I'm going to go take some tape off a few things in the kitchen. I think I might've gone a little overboard.
EXPERIMENTER goes to the kitchen to take some tape off a few things. SUBJECT comes out of his room.
SUBJECT
What's the WiFi password, you fucker?
EXPERIMENTER
"welcome to the jungle", no spaces, all lower case.
SUBJECT
Asshole.
SUBJECT enters the password on his phone to connect to the network. While he waits for it to connect, he approaches the mirror. He raps on it with his knuckles, trying to hear if it's hollow or not. He examines the edges.
SUBJECT
Hey. (Knocks again.) Hey. Listen. I'm going to be honest with you: I have no idea how I'm going to react to this. I just flow downhill, generally speaking. Water doesn't have to understand gravity--it just does what's in its nature.
The truth is I don't have anyplace to be tomorrow. I'm between between-points at this moment in my life. That gives me a certain perspective--so if you're wondering why I haven't set the couch on fire or done any of the obvious stuff that a person in my position would do, that's why.
I don't know what your man thinks he's up to except that I'm pretty sure he's going about it the wrong way, whatever it is. I'll have a talk with him tomorrow. In my personal life I'm like a vortex where other people's hopes and dreams go to be consumed. I'll let the abyss stare back at him for a bit and he's going to open that door all on his own.
SUBJECT goes back to his bedroom.
There is an indication of time passing.
Scene 2.
The next morning. EXPERIMENTER is sitting at the table; breakfast is laid out but he is not eating. SUBJECT comes out of his room.
EXPERIMENTER
Would you care for some breakfast? I made toast.
SUBJECT
You pushed that little lever down for me a whole extra time? That excuses everything.
EXPERIMENTER
Were your accommodations acceptable?
SUBJECT
So I'm thinking you're going to let me out of here today.
EXPERIMENTER
I told you that's not possible.
SUBJECT
I know that's what you said. But you haven't experienced what it's like to be in a small space with me for a long period of time. I have seen people get off busses where I'm pretty sure it wasn't their stop because I was saying the things that were going through my head.
EXPERIMENTER
Luckily for both of us I think I'm pretty resilient.
SUBJECT
Is that lucky for me?
EXPERIMENTER
I believe in us. Humans, generally. More specifically, you and me. I believe that in our natural state--if we're provided for, if we're not fighting over resources or social hierarchy or mating rights--I believe that we naturally extend each other, that we reflect and refract each other.
SUBJECT
I believe we naturally murder each other for food.
EXPERIMENTER
We have enough food in that closet to last us both for the duration. I took a great deal of care with the logistics.
SUBJECT
Anyway, who's to say we get smarter about each other the more we know? We are born with a desire to piss away our time. That is not an accident.
EXPERIMENTER
I don't accept that.
SUBJECT
Are we listing things we accept and don't accept?
EXPERIMENTER
This is not easy for me either.
SUBJECT
I know. You're really bad at it. To the point where I don't even know how you could be legitimately in school for this. Seriously, the most likely scenario I've got right now is that you're planning to saw me up in my sleep.
EXPERIMENTER
I know I'm bad at it. I'm bad at understanding people. I'm worse at guessing what they're going to do. I'm awkward at parties.
SUBJECT
"Surprise everybody! You're locked in!"
EXPERIMENTER
I'm one of those people who are drawn to their greatest challenges in life. But I believe that understanding can be taught. I believe our brains are wired to seek out knowledge with the desperate courage of a man facing a bear in a cave by torchlight.
SUBJECT
That bear just ate you and took a nap, man.
EXPERIMENTER
We didn't make our way among the snakes and diseases and freezing cold because we're the biggest or the strongest or the fastest--we did it because our minds strive for knowledge the same way our lungs seek air.
SUBJECT
What did you think you were going to learn from me?
EXPERIMENTER
I don't know what I don't know.
SUBJECT
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you got the wrong rat in your maze. This one's not even looking for the food lever.
EXPERIMENTER
I work harder than my peers. It all comes so easily to them. They look down on me. But I've read their papers and they're so humiliatingly small--awkwardly meticulous, reductive, obsessed with minutiae. I believe we're capable of more. I believe I'm capable of more. Bold experiments. Bigger leaps. Higher stakes. Skin in the game. I'm a subject, too.
SUBJECT
I like it. That was a good speech.
EXPERIMENTER
Thank you.
SUBJECT
I'm all, "Freedom!" like Mel Gibson in that one movie.
EXPERIMENTER
I'm going to walk out of this apartment with a visceral understanding of the fundamentals of human interaction--or I'm going to be carried out.
SUBJECT
When you're done here, they're going to give you your own show. It'll be like "Antiques Roadshow" only it'll be you locked in a room with some guy with a bunch of problems.
EXPERIMENTER
(Pause.) I don't expect you to understand.
SUBJECT
I understand completely. And I get that you think I was being sarcastic just now but I wasn't. Antiques Roadshow used to be my jam.
EXPERIMENTER
I see no evidence of you understanding anything.
SUBJECT
You're a sad little open book, man. I can tell you, for instance, that your relationships with women--it's women, right? Your relationships with women have not been successful. How many girls have you even dated? Two?
EXPERIMENTER
Three.
SUBJECT
Are you counting your first one that you probably didn't even kiss with your mouth open?
EXPERIMENTER
(Pause.) Okay, two.
SUBJECT
See, I told you. Kick back. The Doctor is in. What was her name?
EXPERIMENTER
Whose name?
SUBJECT
Whichever one was the worst.
EXPERIMENTER
Brenda.
SUBJECT
Okay, Brenda. You moved in with her, didn't you?
EXPERIMENTER
For about three weeks.
SUBJECT
Right, because you are really annoying to live with. Just, in the spirit of helping you out, I want to let you know that every single thing you say where you're trying to be nice has the opposite effect because it implies this neurotic perspective that no one but you would even think of. You trying to be all generous, but the person you're talking to is thinking "the world of your mind terrifies and saddens me."
EXPERIMENTER
Yeah, well, she said something like that, so thanks for helping me relive that moment.
SUBJECT
You've got this thing where you're like a prototype of a robot person that they're just learning from so they can make the good one later. And that's not an insult--it makes you stand out. There are some dudes who are just dicks, or whatever, at least you have a special thing about you. But I don't think it's medically possible for you to change who you are.
EXPERIMENTER
If you're saying I'm unlovable or undeserving of love I reject that.
SUBJECT
No, man, that was you who said that, just now. That was you. What I'm saying is that you should just be your weird little self and don't try locking people into rooms with you because it won't help. Someday you might meet a girl who's messed up enough to be into you, and on the other hand if you keep locking people in rooms sooner or later you're going to get murdered.
EXPERIMENTER
I reject everything you're saying.
SUBJECT
You might want to take a finer-grained approach than that. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I am probably full of shit on some points. The last person I loved told me I'm a vortex where other people's hopes and dreams go to be consumed, but I feel like I'm kind-of hitting my stride here. I feel like I've got some wisdom I could share with you, and that's not a feeling I get real often.
EXPERIMENTER
That's right, because I'm so profoundly hopeless that even you feel qualified to give me advice in life.
SUBJECT
What, because listening to me is beneath you or something? Dude, no wonder you don't have any friends.
EXPERIMENTER goes to speak through the mirror to the observation room.
EXPERIMENTER
This is all going exactly as I planned. He thinks he's telling me things that I don't know. He's telling me what's wrong with me--but that's not a secret. Any idiot can see my inadequacies.
No. That's not what's going to happen. You can write this down--I'm done listening. I know it's comfortable. It's like an old song on the radio; it's easy because you know the words, not because they're true. But this is our experiment, and I am going to mine him. I have no interest in myself--I understand myself perfectly. I'm going to open up his brain and run my fingers through his neurons and lay them all out in front of me like a map of universe.
EXPERIMENTER returns to the kitc