This is Yuge
Directed by Aeron Macintyre
With David O. Stein* & Emily Ludlow
CHARACTERS: RONALD CRUMP CALANIA CRUMP LIVANKA CRUMP LIVANKA AND CALANIA ARE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTRESS.
At Rise: RONALD CRUMP is passed out in a beautiful hotel suite at the CRUMP Towers in New York City.
RONALD
(waking up slowly) I have the words! And the numbers! And I’m very rich! And my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! We are going to make everything great again. Not just America but California! Texas! Chicago! And all those little states with a bunch of nobodies, Kentucky, Idaho, dunno? Id a ho? I’d do a ‘ho? My friends, I need your help. Vote for me. For me. For me.
CALANIA CRUMP enters. She is wearing a beauty queen crown and high heels and something sensual in between. She has a very slight Eastern European accent.
CALANIA Donnie, dear, that was a tough crowd, you might want to take a nap.
RONALD Calania, lovely, but you can't think your way out of a paper bag. I WAS napping, now I’m
waking up. Always two steps behind, jeez., why don't you go buy something? Or something?
CALANIA Ronald, honey, Don’t talk to me that way. I am just looking onto you.
RONALD Oh jeez louise, looking AFTER Me, looking after me, not onto me.
CALANIA You’re being mean again. What did i tell you, one more times of you saying I am a no
brainer and I will take our little boy and go back to Slovakia.
RONALD
Slovenia.
CALANIA
What is dass?
RONALD
Slovenia. You're from Slovenia.
CALANIA
Maybe I will just go and BUY Slovakia so I can go there OR Slovenia. Just in case you are
being nasty to me again.
RONALD
Calania dear one?
CALANIA
Yes Donnie?
RONALD
Can you please go find Livanka for me?
CALANIA
LIVANKA? You want Livanka? Fine...(begins to cry)
RONALD Oh come on baby, you don’t want all this campaign talk. I love you pookie-boo. Come on,
here, go buy yourself something pretty.
RONALD hands CALANIA a wad of cash.
CALANIA I will be getting Livanka. If you want me I’ll be in Slovakia. Or Slovenia. Or Saks Fifth
Avenues.
CALANIA exits.
CRUMP
(dressing , looking at himself in a mirror)
I know all the good words. Ronald Jonathan CRUMP you are a miracle. Ladies love ya, I’m tellin’ ya when the voting starts they’re’s gonna be so much estrogen in those booths it’ll make the men grow boobies.
LIVANKA enters carrying a briefcase full of papers and talking on her smartphone. She is blonde, with a posh New York boarding school accent.
LIVANKA
/Yes...No...Of course...later. (ends call)
(To RONALD)Are you still puttering around, Poppa? We have to be at/
CRUMP /I know, the Longshoreman’s hall for brunch. I got time, they’ll wait for me.
LIVANKA Poppa it looks bad, showing up late for these men. You called them the salt of the earth, and they vote. If we can get that union vote it’ll neutralize some of the born-agains, Tea
Partiers, and help cut into the 40-45 year old female demographic. Those women still haven't forgiven you for what you did to that woman from Fox News, we have to neutralize that segment/
RONALD /’Vanka, ‘Vanka, you’re using all those words again. What do I always tell you, people
love me. Whether I'm late or on time, they can’t get enough of me. All this about segments and neutralizing, all you need to remember is that I’m going to /
LIVANKA & RONALD
Make America great again.
LIVANKA Yes yes, of course, but consider the polls. Your numbers are down with the main demographic of angry white men, a little pulling ahead with underemployed millenials but losing the aerobically challenged elders. See this New York Times poll/
LIVANKA pulls out her phone to show RONALD.
RONALD /LIVANKA, my favorite, my beautiful daughter who if you weren’t my daughter....polls
don’t matter. See, polls are just numbers, They pull them out of a hat. 10 per cent, 40 per cent, you don’t have to worry your pretty little head about those big bad numbers. Polls are for those little people, not me. I have the numbers, I have all the numbers./
LIVANKA /Poppa, stop. I’m out on the trail, every day, working hard, picking up the pieces, talking
down Mexicans who want to shoot you/
RONALD I told you, all the ones they send here are rapists and murderers. The no-good-niks.
LIVANKA Poppa, remember who you’re talking to? You know I don’t like that kind of talk.
RONALD I don’t mean anything by it. It’s...it’s a cultural bridge, helps me connect with those little
people who need me.
LIVANKA And talk like that is going to get you killed, you can’t do that anymore. There’s a lot of
angry people out there and you're going to make the wrong ones angry.
RONALD
You think I should be worried? Me?
LIVANKA Maybe not worried....just more careful. Eat some ethnic food. Learn to say “Buenas Dias.”
RONALD Maybe you’re right. Tone it down, more Presidential.”Four scores ago... I was still scoring
more than anyone my age.” (LONG BEAT) Ah who am I kidding? I look good, better than good, I look great, people/
LIVANKA
/I know. People love you. Can we go now?
RONALD
I’m ready, let’s do this!
LIVANKA
Exactly!
LIVANKA places RONALD in a judo hold and flips/pins/knocks him out somehow and stuffs him in a closet/behind a couch. LIVANKA makes a call on her cell.
LIVANKA Calania? Of course I did. Meet me at the usual place. Two hours.
LIVANKA exits. Loud crash/noise.
CALANIA enters wearing LIVANKA’s blazer/jacket with her beauty queen crown. She makes a call on her cell.
CALANIA Hillary? Of course I did. Meet me at the usual place. Two hours..Let’s do this!
BLACKOUT END OF PLAY.