This is Yuge

May 20, 2016

Directed by Aeron Macintyre 

With David O. Stein* & Emily Ludlow

 

 

CHARACTERS:
RONALD CRUMP
CALANIA CRUMP
LIVANKA CRUMP
LIVANKA AND CALANIA ARE PLAYED BY THE SAME ACTRESS.

 

At Rise: RONALD CRUMP is passed out in a beautiful hotel suite at the CRUMP Towers in New York City.

 

RONALD

(waking up slowly)
I have the words! And the numbers! And I’m very rich! And my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! We are going to make everything great again. Not just America but California! Texas! Chicago! And all those little states with a bunch of nobodies, Kentucky, Idaho, dunno? Id a ho? I’d do a ‘ho?
My friends, I need your help. Vote for me. For me. For me.

 

CALANIA CRUMP enters. She is wearing a beauty queen crown and high heels and something sensual in between. She has a very slight Eastern European accent.

 

CALANIA
Donnie, dear, that was a tough crowd, you might want to take a nap.

 

RONALD
Calania, lovely, but you can't think your way out of a paper bag. I WAS napping, now I’m

waking up. Always two steps behind, jeez., why don't you go buy something? Or something?

 

CALANIA
Ronald, honey, Don’t talk to me that way. I am just looking onto you.

 

RONALD
Oh jeez louise, looking AFTER Me, looking after me, not onto me.

 

CALANIA
You’re being mean again. What did i tell you, one more times of you saying I am a no

brainer and I will take our little boy and go back to Slovakia.

 

RONALD

Slovenia.

 

CALANIA

What is dass?

 

RONALD

Slovenia. You're from Slovenia.

 

CALANIA

Maybe I will just go and BUY Slovakia so I can go there OR Slovenia. Just in case you are

being nasty to me again.

 

RONALD

Calania dear one?

 

CALANIA

Yes Donnie?

 

RONALD

Can you please go find Livanka for me?

 

CALANIA

LIVANKA? You want Livanka? Fine...(begins to cry)

 

RONALD
Oh come on baby, you don’t want all this campaign talk. I love you pookie-boo. Come on,

here, go buy yourself something pretty.

 

RONALD hands CALANIA a wad of cash.

 

CALANIA
I will be getting Livanka. If you want me I’ll be in Slovakia. Or Slovenia. Or Saks Fifth

Avenues.

 

CALANIA exits.

 

CRUMP

(dressing , looking at himself in a mirror)

I know all the good words. Ronald Jonathan CRUMP you are a miracle. Ladies love ya, I’m tellin’ ya when the voting starts they’re’s gonna be so much estrogen in those booths it’ll make the men grow boobies.

 

LIVANKA enters carrying a briefcase full of papers and talking on her smartphone. She is blonde, with a posh New York boarding school accent.

 

LIVANKA

/Yes...No...Of course...later. (ends call)

(To RONALD)Are you still puttering around, Poppa? We have to be at/

 

CRUMP
/I know, the Longshoreman’s hall for brunch. I got time, they’ll wait for me.

 

LIVANKA
Poppa it looks bad, showing up late for these men. You called them the salt of the earth, and they vote. If we can get that union vote it’ll neutralize some of the born-agains, Tea

Partiers, and help cut into the 40-45 year old female demographic. Those women still haven't forgiven you for what you did to that woman from Fox News, we have to neutralize that segment/

 

RONALD
/’Vanka, ‘Vanka, you’re using all those words again. What do I always tell you, people

love me. Whether I'm late or on time, they can’t get enough of me. All this about segments and neutralizing, all you need to remember is that I’m going to /

 

LIVANKA & RONALD

Make America great again.

 

LIVANKA
Yes yes, of course, but consider the polls. Your numbers are down with the main demographic of angry white men, a little pulling ahead with underemployed millenials but losing the aerobically challenged elders. See this New York Times poll/

 

LIVANKA pulls out her phone to show RONALD.

 

RONALD
/LIVANKA, my favorite, my beautiful daughter who if you weren’t my daughter....polls

don’t matter. See, polls are just numbers, They pull them out of a hat. 10 per cent, 40 per cent, you don’t have to worry your pretty little head about those big bad numbers. Polls are for those little people, not me. I have the numbers, I have all the numbers./

 

LIVANKA
/Poppa, stop. I’m out on the trail, every day, working hard, picking up the pieces, talking

down Mexicans who want to shoot you/

 

RONALD
I told you, all the ones they send here are rapists and murderers. The no-good-niks.

 

LIVANKA
Poppa, remember who you’re talking to? You know I don’t like that kind of talk.

 

RONALD
I don’t mean anything by it. It’s...it’s a cultural bridge, helps me connect with those little

people who need me.

 

LIVANKA
And talk like that is going to get you killed, you can’t do that anymore. There’s a lot of

angry people out there and you're going to make the wrong ones angry.

 

RONALD

You think I should be worried? Me?

 

LIVANKA
Maybe not worried....just more careful. Eat some ethnic food. Learn to say “Buenas Dias.”

 

RONALD
Maybe you’re right. Tone it down, more Presidential.”Four scores ago... I was still scoring

more than anyone my age.”
(LONG BEAT) Ah who am I kidding? I look good, better than good, I look great, people/

 

LIVANKA

/I know. People love you. Can we go now?

 

RONALD

I’m ready, let’s do this!

 

LIVANKA

Exactly!

 

LIVANKA places RONALD in a judo hold and flips/pins/knocks him out somehow and stuffs him in a closet/behind a couch. LIVANKA makes a call on her cell.

 

LIVANKA
Calania? Of course I did. Meet me at the usual place. Two hours.

 

LIVANKA exits. Loud crash/noise.

CALANIA enters wearing LIVANKA’s blazer/jacket with her beauty queen crown. She makes a call on her cell.

 

CALANIA
Hillary? Of course I did. Meet me at the usual place. Two hours..Let’s do this!

 

BLACKOUT END OF PLAY.

 

Please reload

Recent Posts

December 8, 2016

December 8, 2016

December 8, 2016

December 8, 2016

December 8, 2016

December 8, 2016

November 3, 2016

November 3, 2016

Please reload

Search By Tags
Archive
Please reload

© 2019 AmiosWest