Bardlandia, Verily Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth

April 23, 2016

 

 

Directed by Melissa Ortiz

With Christian Haines & Robyn Grahn

 

 

Cast of Characters

Lynn: A model employee. Perky and efficient. Totally over Evan. Uggg, Evan. Totally over him.

Totally.

Evan: OhmyGod, please not Lynn. Anyone but Lynn. Todd, you

owe me a shift. Damnit.

 

Scene

Bardlandia. Shakespearean Theme Park that in no way resembles Disneyland. On a ride called Canon Quest that in no way resembles Splash Mountain. Elizabethan muzak plays cheerily.

LYNN                                           EVAN

Oh my God. Not                        Don’t blame me, I tried to switch, no one was free.

you. I can’t believe this.

Son of a-

 

Lights shift and Lynn talks directly to the audience.

 

LYNN

Oh! Hi! Good morrow, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re enjoying your day at Bardlandia, Verily Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth. Welcome aboard Canon Quest! Please keep thine arms and legs inside the bark at all times and remain seated until the bark has come to a complete and full stop.

EVAN

What would an incomplete full stop look like?

 

Lynn discreetly kicks Evan’s shin.

 

I’m Squire Evan.

 

LYNN

And I’m Maid Lynn, we’ll be your hosts through the shire. Lower the bar-d across thy laps, and prepare for a wild ride!

 

Sound of splashing. Lynn and Evan sway gently as the ride progresses.

 

EVAN

Gentles all, please take a moment to locate the nearest Exit sign, it will be marked with a Bear. After the ride, you may purchase your portrait at the kiosk. Those of you in the front row are in the "Splash Zone." Arms Up means plastic up!

LYNN

While the following attractions worked beautifully and were very popular when the park opened, they are currently experiencing "Problems":

EVAN

All’s Well that Ends- Not so Well, as it turns out.

 

Lynn glares at him.

 

Merchant of Venice Gondolas,

LYNN

And Taming of the Shrew will be closed until further notice; it won’t work without substantial fixes.

EVAN

On your left you will see Bardlandia’s Coffee Shoppe: The Wired Sisters. Enjoy your Double Double-

LYNN

Without the Toil and Trouble. And on your right is Henry 8th’s All You Can Eat Buffet-

EVAN

A deal so great, you’ll lose your head. The Julius Caesar salad is great.

LYNN

And my personal favorite eatery, Titus’ Pie Shoppe. Let’s give Titus a hand! He could use it.

 

Evan and Lynn clap.

 

EVAN

Our first stop is Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrowland. Each day creeps on his petty pace-

LYNN

Squire Evan would know a thing or two about creeps...

EVAN

And Maid Lynn can tell you all about pettiness. As we wind through the tragedies, remember lads and lasses, you must be at least this tall to ride Lear’s Descent into Madness.

LYNN
Next stop, The Enchanted Forest of Arden. Enjoy one of the park’s most popular attractions, All The World’s A Stage After All. Tag us on Facebook, as you like it.

EVAN

Wander through the forest, hang verses on the the trees. Watch out for cross dressing women, though, gents, sometimes the moustache is real.

 

He looks directly at Lynn.

 

LYNN

Be sure to get your personalized ruff collar. Squire Evan is committed to the authentic Shakespearean look. If the Rogaine doesn’t work he’ll be sporting the Bard’s coiff in no time.

EVAN

Coming up on the right you will see Hamlet’s Haunted Parapets. Maybe you’ll spot the ghost of Maid Lynn’s vanishing youth and beauty.

LYNN

Squire Evan can’t tell a hawk from a handsaw, but he sure knows about enseamed beds and ladies who protest too much.

 

Clicking as the boat goes up, up, up!

 

EVAN

If you look below us as we descend you’ll see Prospero’s Bookshop. Behind that you will find the maze in Authorship Alley.

LYNN

Test your knowledge about Squire Evan’s specialty- Double Falsehood.

EVAN

Did he really write that? The twists and turns of authorship conspiracy logic can be dizzying and confusing- like Lynn’s delusions.

LYNN

Oh look, way down there you can see Cleopatra’s Burnished Barge.

EVAN

Here we go...

LYNN
One beverage at Falstaff’s Inn, and Evan can’t help admiring Cleo’s Asp. Those two sneak off one night-

EVAN

Ask Lynn for directions to Othello’s attraction- she’s intimately familiar with the Green Eyed Monster’s Emotional Roller Coaster.

LYNN

Don’t you think Evan’s ready to play Antony? He’s already the King of De Nile.

 

Last click. They look over the edge!

 

EVAN AND LYNN

Arms up! Smile!

 

Arms up! Scream! SPLASH! Picture flash while someone throws water on them! Beat. Then sweet Renaissance music plays again.

 

EVAN

Lynn, I asked Claudio to switch my shift. What do you want me to do?  It was all a Midsummer misunderstanding, Lynn, what the Puck-

LYNN

Kill Claudio.

LYNN

I never would have believed in faeries, kids, but sprites bearing aphroditic flowers is the only way I can explain how I woke up next to a complete ASS!

VOICE OF CLEO

Good Morrow, greetings from Cleopatra in Egypt! Attention star-crossed lovers everywhere! It’s time for a message of love, we recorded this from one of our very own park employees, Squire Evan:

LYNN

A love note to Cleopatra and I’m delusional?!

 

Evan tries to kill the speakers but is full-body tackled by Lynn. They wrestle during the recording.

 

EVAN

NO NO NOnonononono! I cancelled that! Shit! Kid, can I borrow your sword? Kill the speakers! Kill all the speakers!

 

NERVOUS VOICE OF EVAN 6 MONTHS AGO

Umm... is this on? Okay. Maid Lynn, the last year has been the best of my life. I know there’s beggary in love that can be reckoned, but hear my soul speak, the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to your service. In short, Maid Lynn, doubt that stars are fire, doubt the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.

 

Awwwwwwwwwww... from people in the park. Lynn and Evan stop wrestling, wet and exhausted.

 

EVAN

Go ahead and make fun of me. I snuck out with Cleo 6 months ago to record that, I didn’t know what was going to happen to us. Hero was supposed to erase that.

LYNN

I still have your picture in my locker. Just for spitball target practice.

EVAN

I was never interested in Cleo-

LYNN

Peace, I will stop your mouth.

 

She kisses him. They start making out. Sound of brakes and splash, the ride abruptly stops. Lynn falls off of Evan. They both stand up.

 

EVAN

Enjoy your day at Bardlandia.

LYNN

Ye Olde Merriest Place on Earth.

 

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