Downtown Abbey Is All We Have Left
Directed by Katja Rivera
With Aeron Macintyre, Colin Johnson & Katie Meinholt
SOUND CUE 1: INTRO MUSIC. FADE INTO SOUND CUE 1
Amanda watches the TV intently as Bill snores next to her. His snoring becomes so loud that she punches him, Bill wakes up immediately and assumes a kung fu fighting stance, scanning the room or an attacker.
It’s go time, Mandy! Get down! NOW!
SFX 1 out
Dad! STOP! It was me! You were snoring.
(still scanning the room)
No I wasn’t. I was wide awake. Ready for action.
AMANDA You were snoring right over the season seven finale! Lady Mary was about to give her answer to Lord Bricklington when Lord General Snuffenmier of York-Ellington and the Grand Dowager Ebolina Winklebum suddenly burst in--
STOP! Spoiler alert, Amanda! Do not ruin Downtown Abbey for me! It is our last connection to the outside world and I cannot lose that! Not today!
DOWNTON ABBEY. Not Downtown. Think about it Dad, they are living in a CASTLE in the COUNTRYSIDE. How is that downtown?
I don’t know maybe British downtowns look different! But I’m sorry for snoring. We’ll rewind... where’s the remote?
AMANDA (searching for the remote)
Eeeeh, I don’t see it.
(a little more frantic)
Where is it Dad?!
It can’t be lost- DownTON Abbey is all we have left!
I know- it’s the last thing on the DVR besides True Detective Season 2!.
No, honey- wait, listen to me: it is literally the only thing we have left. You know how we’ve been binging on watching all our shows before the power goes out? Well… I’ve also been binging on food... and water.
This very stressful! AND you know how I stress eat! And stress water drink. And stress take antibiotics.
Just- full disclosure- everything in our panic room is gone.
(back to freaking out)
But it’s not my fault! I’m freaking out, we could be attacked by invisible alien monsters at literally any moment!
Which is why it was so important that we didn’t run out of food and water! Now we have go outside- where the invisible alien monsters are!
(flopping down on couch)
Well, life doesn’t always turn out like you want it to! Life lesson! There you go.
(reaches into couch and finds remote)
Oh, here it is.
(taking it, grossed out)
Wow. You are the worst.
SFX 2: Downton Abbey opening theme
Knock at the door, Amanda and Bill freeze, looking at each other.
Do you have the gun?
(Pulling the gun from between her legs)
Right here - shhhhh…
SFX 2 out: WHEN BILL PUSHES REMOTE
Amanda holds the gun behind her back as she approaches the door, she frantically motions for Bill to hide. Bill waddles/leaps over the couch and hides behind it. Knock at the door, louder
Amanda, it’s me, let me in!
Who are you? This isn’t Amanda! How do you know my name? We’re not home!
It’s James! Mandy, please!
(whipping the gun from behind her, aiming it at the door)
James is dead! I saw him die! It was really gross!
Cuddlekitten, it’s really me. I can explain!
Don't let him in, he’ll let in the monsters! And he’s not good enough for you!.
I can explain- those weren’t my entrails! I was buried under all the elderly people and children- but I clawed my way out- I had to find you!
Bill leaps up as Amanda throws open the door.
Oh my god, you're alive!
Cuddles, I thought I’d lost you.
(seeing BIll, surprised, trying not to be surprised)
And Bill, you made it too. Wow. I’m not surprised. That you are alive. Good for you.
Dammit, James! You probably let 10 of them in!
Bill starts to stalk around the apartment, karate chopping the air
Well, we have to go outside anyway because you ate all the food!
JAMES Wait- you guys had a full panic room!
It wasn’t that full!
Ok, calm down here’s what we’ll do- give Bill the gun- he can go out and forage, if he gets stuff: cool. If he dies on the lawn, we’ll try to sneak out and grab his body then eat that, cool?
Bill suddenly struggles, attacked by an invisible alien.
OW! OW! There’s one here! I knew it! It’s got me! Help!
James goes down too.
OW! Sorry Amanda- I thought…I’d (as it bites him hard)... LOST THEM!
Amanda stands between her father and James, pointing the gun at both of them, unsure who to save….
Dad… no… James!... Dad! Argh!
Amanda squeezes off several rounds, but she misses her invisible foes and James and BIll die gross-ly.Amanda stands in the middle of the room frantically pointing the gun all around her.
Ok, fine alien monsters you win! Take me! But first- can I please watch the season seven finale of Downton Abbey? I just want to know what happens to Lady Mary and Lord Bricklington before I die.
ALIEN VOICE (SFX)
OH MY GOD- they get together?! SPOILER ALERT!
Ok, fine. We can watch it. But I am NOT watching Episode one of season eight...
(sitting down, cautiously, clicking the remote,SFX CUE 4 :the Downton theme plays)
Unless it’s really good, right?
ALIEN VOICE (SFX)
Unless it’s fucking amazzzziinnnggg…