Poopsybottom
Directed by Will Brown
With Nima Slone, Ray Renati & Gregg Leblanc
Cast of Characters
Ray: Protective daddy with an unusual sense of humor
Nima: Beloved daughter and poopsybottom
Gregg: Devoted boyfriend
Scene
Nima’s parents’ house. Ray is in the kitchen. Gregg sits on the sofa. Nima is pacing and looking under furniture and behind doors.
Time
This evening.
RAY
Be right in.
NIMA
This is a terrible idea.
GREGG
We’ve been dating for 2 years.
NIMA
You’re right, it’s too soon.
GREGG
It’s overdue. What are you looking for?
NIMA
My mother.
GREGG
Under the couch?
NIMA
Wouldn’t be the first time. Let’s go. Things are going so well. Why ruin it? I love you.
GREGG
I love you, too. And you met my parents a year and a half ago.
NIMA
Okay, but I should warn you-
GREGG
Sit, relax, it’ll be fine.
She does. Then she hops back up.
NIMA
Nope. This is bad. Like radioactive apocalyptic flesh-eating bacteria bad.
Ray enters from kitchen with plate of appetizers.
Hi, dad. Where’s mom?
RAY
Poopsybottom!
NIMA
OhSweetJesus
GREGG
Poopsybottom?
NIMA
It’s a nickname from- I’m going to kill you.
GREGG
It’s cute, poopsy-
NIMA
Where’s the tinfoil hat? Or are we playing a different- Why is my freshman yearbook on the table?
RAY
I thought you might want to look at it. That perm was a good look for you. How you doin’, kiddo? Hey, did that rash clear up? I hope your doc told you to use a rubber next-
GREGG
Rash?
NIMA
OhMYGOD, Dad. He’s talking about athlete’s foot! In sixth grade I went to camp and didn’t use the rubber flip flops in the shower so-
RAY
Who’s the old guy?
GREGG
Old?
RAY
Did you take a cab here? I can pay her fare-
NIMA
This handsome man is my boyfriend, Dad.
RAY
Ehhh. I don’t see it.
GREGG
Pleased to meet you, sir, I’m Gregg.
RAY
Nice to meet you, Craig.
NIMA Gregg. His name is Gregg- don’t eat that!
Nima slaps an appetizer out of Gregg’s hand. Gregg grabs another one and eats it. It’s disgusting and spicy.
Tried to stop you.
Gregg coughs.
RAY
You wanna beer, Craig?
GREGG
That’d be great.
RAY
Steak? No, I don’t have steak. Greedy, isn’t he, already inviting himself to dinner?
GREGG
"Great." Sorry, I meant a beer would be great.
Ray hands him a beer. Gregg chugs it.
Watching the debates tonight, sir?
RAY
Yessiree, Craig. Do you watch them?
NIMA
Dad, you know we’re volunteering for Bernie-
RAY
If it’s burning, you should use the ointment, poopsybottom. Which station you watch?
GREGG
MSNBC is the best with the facts-
RAY Fox it is!
GREGG
No, "facts." I said, "facts."
NIMA
I promise you he can hear you. Apparently this is tonight’s little game. ShootMyFace.
RAY
You’re not a disgrace. A little disappointing with the art history major and the cab driver boyfriend, but hardly a disgrace.
Ray gets the remote. Gregg whispers to Nima.
GREGG
Do we have to watch Fox? I mean, we could find middle ground. CNN? Fox is cringe-worthy-
RAY
Couldn’t agree more! Binge-worthy! They’ve got the best coverage of Trump!
NIMA
This is a whole new machivallian game. My father is a card-carrying socialist.
GREGG
But he supports Trump?
RAY
Watch your verbology, wait til you get home to hump!
GREGG Not hump! Not hump! Trump!
RAY
I like Trump, too, Craig, but I don’t think he’ll want to hump you.
GREGG
I didn’t say hump-
NIMA
Let’s see hump, chump, lump, frump, clump, pump-
RAY Dump is a strong word. I know about the whole morning breath problem, but she’ll look past that. Still, let’s face it, Craig, if you want to hump Trump, I can see why she told us she’s going to dump you.
NIMA
I never said that, you liar!
RAY
Where’s the fire?!
Ray takes flowers out of a vase and splashes the water on Gregg and Nima.
There got it. You’re safe.
GREGG
I’ll get you a towel.
He exits to the bathroom. Dad gives her a towel.
NIMA
Is this really necessary, Dad?
RAY
I like this one. He’s a keeper. You can tell him to use the towels under the sink not on the-
Off stage Gregg screams in disgust.
NIMA
Hair gel?
RAY
An oldie but a goodie.
NIMA
Dad. I’m too old for this. And I really like him.
RAY
Me, too. That’s what I’m saying. You look happy. Good job, poopsybottom. Warn him about the saran wrap on the toilet. Oh, you should call your mother. Say the code word "pickle." You don’t want to know what she has planned.