Poopsybottom

April 7, 2016

 

Directed by Will Brown

With Nima Slone, Ray Renati & Gregg Leblanc

 

 

Cast of Characters

 

Ray: Protective daddy with an unusual sense of humor

Nima: Beloved daughter and poopsybottom

Gregg: Devoted boyfriend

 

Scene

Nima’s parents’ house. Ray is in the kitchen. Gregg sits on the sofa. Nima is pacing and looking under furniture and behind doors.

 

Time

This evening.

 

RAY

Be right in.

 

NIMA

This is a terrible idea.

 

GREGG

We’ve been dating for 2 years.

 

NIMA

You’re right, it’s too soon.

 

GREGG

It’s overdue. What are you looking for?

 

NIMA

My mother.

 

GREGG

Under the couch?

 

NIMA

Wouldn’t be the first time. Let’s go. Things are going so well. Why ruin it? I love you.

 

GREGG

I love you, too. And you met my parents a year and a half ago.

 

NIMA

Okay, but I should warn you-

 

GREGG

Sit, relax, it’ll be fine.

 

She does. Then she hops back up.

 

NIMA

Nope. This is bad. Like radioactive apocalyptic flesh-eating bacteria bad.

 

Ray enters from kitchen with plate of appetizers.

 

Hi, dad. Where’s mom?

 

RAY

Poopsybottom!

 

NIMA

OhSweetJesus

 

GREGG

Poopsybottom?

 

NIMA

It’s a nickname from- I’m going to kill you.

 

GREGG

It’s cute, poopsy-

 

NIMA

Where’s the tinfoil hat? Or are we playing a different- Why is my freshman yearbook on the table?

 

RAY

I thought you might want to look at it. That perm was a good look for you. How you doin’, kiddo? Hey, did that rash clear up? I hope your doc told you to use a rubber next-

 

GREGG

Rash?

 

NIMA

OhMYGOD, Dad. He’s talking about athlete’s foot! In sixth grade I went to camp and didn’t use the rubber flip flops in the shower so-

 

RAY

Who’s the old guy?

 

GREGG

Old?

 

RAY

Did you take a cab here? I can pay her fare-

 

NIMA

This handsome man is my boyfriend, Dad.

 

RAY

Ehhh. I don’t see it.

 

GREGG

Pleased to meet you, sir, I’m Gregg.

 

RAY

Nice to meet you, Craig.

 

NIMA Gregg. His name is Gregg- don’t eat that!

 

Nima slaps an appetizer out of Gregg’s hand. Gregg grabs another one and eats it. It’s disgusting and spicy.

 

Tried to stop you.

 

Gregg coughs.

 

RAY

You wanna beer, Craig?

 

GREGG

That’d be great.

 

RAY

Steak? No, I don’t have steak. Greedy, isn’t he, already inviting himself to dinner?

 

GREGG

"Great." Sorry, I meant a beer would be great.

 

Ray hands him a beer. Gregg chugs it.

 

Watching the debates tonight, sir?

 

RAY

Yessiree, Craig. Do you watch them?

 

NIMA

Dad, you know we’re volunteering for Bernie-

 

RAY

If it’s burning, you should use the ointment, poopsybottom. Which station you watch?

 

GREGG

MSNBC is the best with the facts-

 

RAY
Fox it is!

 

GREGG

No, "facts." I said, "facts."

 

NIMA

I promise you he can hear you. Apparently this is tonight’s little game. ShootMyFace.

 

RAY

You’re not a disgrace. A little disappointing with the art history major and the cab driver boyfriend, but hardly a disgrace.

 

Ray gets the remote. Gregg whispers to Nima.

 

GREGG

Do we have to watch Fox? I mean, we could find middle ground. CNN? Fox is cringe-worthy-

 

RAY

Couldn’t agree more! Binge-worthy! They’ve got the best coverage of Trump!

 

NIMA

This is a whole new machivallian game. My father is a card-carrying socialist.

 

GREGG

But he supports Trump?

 

RAY

Watch your verbology, wait til you get home to hump!

 

GREGG
Not hump! Not hump! Trump!

 

RAY

I like Trump, too, Craig, but I don’t think he’ll want to hump you.

 

GREGG

I didn’t say hump-

 

NIMA

Let’s see hump, chump, lump, frump, clump, pump-

 

RAY
Dump is a strong word. I know about the whole morning breath problem, but she’ll look past that. Still, let’s face it, Craig, if you want to hump Trump, I can see why she told us she’s going to dump you.

 

NIMA

I never said that, you liar!

 

RAY

Where’s the fire?!

 

Ray takes flowers out of a vase and splashes the water on Gregg and Nima.

 

There got it. You’re safe.

 

GREGG

I’ll get you a towel.

 

He exits to the bathroom. Dad gives her a towel.

 

NIMA

Is this really necessary, Dad?

RAY

I like this one. He’s a keeper. You can tell him to use the towels under the sink not on the-

 

Off stage Gregg screams in disgust.

 

NIMA

Hair gel?

 

RAY

An oldie but a goodie.

 

NIMA

Dad. I’m too old for this. And I really like him.

 

RAY

Me, too. That’s what I’m saying. You look happy. Good job, poopsybottom. Warn him about the saran wrap on the toilet. Oh, you should call your mother. Say the code word "pickle." You don’t want to know what she has planned.

 

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