Yoos Mooks
Directed by Aeron Macintyre
Featuring Dorian Lockett, Megan Luis & Malcolm Rodgers
CAST:
MUGSY – male – youthful – any race – nervous, confused goon for a mobster
DONNY – male – older – any race – jaded, professional goon for a mobster
BOSS – female – any age – any race – ruthless and beautiful mobster, also dressed as a
dude
Note: The following should be played in the vein of old-timey slapstick. Feel free to
insert or delete bouts of comic, Three Stooges-esque violence where desired.
Lights up on MUGSY, who paces back and forth impatiently.
DONNY
(entering)
Just got word. The two witnesses are definitely on board the boat and definitely disguised as men.
MUGSY
It ain’t gonna work.
DONNY
It’ll work.
MUGSY
I don’t think it’ll work, Donny. It’s too risky.
DONNY
Boss says it’ll work, it’ll work.
MUGSY
No amount of scratch is worth this heat, Donny. I’m fixin’ to skip.
DONNY
(slaps him)
Mugsy, who hooked you up with wheels when you were dewdroppin’?
MUGSY
Boss.
DONNY
Who introduced you to that sweet dame Midgie? You ‘member, the one who did that thing with the other thing?
MUGSY
Boy, what a spicy pepperccini she was. Too bad she turned out to be a stool pigeon.
DONNY
The point is, Mugsy, Boss ain’t never let you down once, right? Right?!
MUGSY
Right. Sorry, Donny. I guess get a little squirrely sometimes. But what we did, Donny. What we did. All those folks, mowed down, just clipped to pieces -- just for bein’ there.
DONNY
They saw what we were up to, Mugsy. Can’t let that go.
MUGSY
Then how’s comes those two phillies were able to scram the chopper squad?
DONNY
Can’t figure. Maybe they were hidin’. Nutty nancies snoopin’ where they shouldn’t. Don’t worry, Mugsy. They won’t be in the wind for long. Boss will see to that.
MUGSY
The boat’s about to scoot. If we don’t hurry, those twos are gonna get away scot free somewheres over the pond.
DONNY
Heya – heya Boss?! The boat’s about to scoot! We may wanna hop on it!
(BOSS enters, a gorgeous woman dressed down as a man with a comically large bulge in her tight pants.)
BOSS
Okay, yous mooks ready?
MUGSY
(staring)
Oh – I –
BOSS
What? What’cha staring at? (to Donny) What’s he starin’ at?
DONNY
Nothin’ Boss. You just look – different, I guess.
BOSS
That’s the whole idea, ain’t it, then?
MUGSY
Don’t get mad, Boss.
BOSS
Keep shakin’when we’re in the belly, kid, and I’ll wax the hull with your face grease.
DONNY
He didn’t mean nuthin’, Boss.
BOSS
(slaps Donny)
Don’t interrupt me.
(slaps Mugsy)
I’m tryin’ to cage two canaries who done seen somethin’ they shouldn’t have, and every
second you gawk at my zucchini bulge is a second those canaries fly a little further, get
me?
MUGSY
Yes, Boss. I guess I’m just confused and such. I mean, if two dames are stowed-away as
fellas, why do you have do dress down as a fella when you got two real fellas workin’ for
ya?
BOSS
(slaps them both)
Because youse a couple incompetent meatheads. Clueless goons. You honestly think you
can catch those twos? With those anvils weighin’ down ya heads?
(MUGSY starts to cry.)
BOSS
Is he kidding me? Really? With the waterworks?
DONNY
I think -- the bulge – it’s just a bit much.
BOSS
I’m supposed to be a man, right?
DONNY
I’m not sure what kinda men you been runnin’ with, but – I mean – whoof.
BOSS
Oh. Okay. C’mere, then.
She pulls out the zucchini and slaps Donny with it.
BOSS
You like that? You like getting’ zucchini slapped?
DONNY
No, Boss.
BOSS
(slaps Mugsy)
How ‘bout you, Little Bo Peep? You like it?
MUGSY
Kind of, maybe?! I don’t know anymore, I’m just so confused!
BOSS
(more comic violence)
Coupla cut-ups, huh? Maybe I’ll just hop the boat myself, let yous twos sit here in the cold and talk about your monthlies.
DONNY
No need, Boss. I’m ready to work.
BOSS
I’ll be honest, I don’t know how yous move about with these swollen things.
DONNY
Maybe you should tuck it up in your waistband, so’s to be, you know, less distracting.
BOSS
Tuck into the waistband, huh? I didn’t know you could do that.
MUGSY
It feels fantastic! I mean, not that you’d – you know – feel it, really. (beat, deep breath) Boss, I’ve never seen you this way, and I’m getting’ some real funny feelings as a result. I think -- I’d like to buy you a drink, I think. I mean, when this is all over.
BOSS
Nuthin’ wrong with that, Muggs. You’re only human, ain’t ya? Here, keep it warm.
(She tosses the zucchini to Mugsy and as she and Donny exit. Mugsy holds the zucchini, loses himself in deep thought.)
MUGSY
Who am I?
Lights out.
THE END