Touch The Doll
Directed by Jessica Risco
Featuring Mark Vashro & Sarah David
FADE UP:
A stool sits center stage. On the stool sits a creepy looking doll. CANDACE stands stage left. She is pointing a gun at STEWART, who stands opposite her stage right.
CANDACE
You have to go back!
STEWART
No. I don't.
CANDACE
Look, just give it back to me and everyone walks outta here.
STEWART
It's just you and me, honey.
CANDACE
I swear I'll pull this trigger!
STEWART
Now why would you go and do a thing like that? You'd just be killing yourself.
CANDACE
And you!
STEWART
Look, I like it here. I don't wanna give this up. And if you kill me, you'll be stuck. Until you die.
(Candace YELLS with frustrated rage, and drops the gun to her side.)
CANDACE
Why do you always have to be right? It's so unfair!
STEWART
Honey, you haven't talked like that since you were 14 years old.
CANDACE
Come on, mom. Please? Please, can you just touch the creepy doll so we can swap bodies again? I want my life back.
STEWART
Honey. I love you. But are you kidding me? I mean, just look at this. I don't know if you know this, sweetie, but you are quite the hottie.
CANDACE
Ughn, mom! That's fucking disgusting.
STEWART
Language!
CANDACE
Are you kidding me right now?
STEWART
What? Just because I've taken your body hostage doesn't mean
I'm not still your mother. Now give me that gun before you
hurt someone! Pointing a gun at your own mother, my gosh!
CANDACE
It's not even real.
(She pulls the trigger, and a small stream of water comes out.)
STEWART
Honey, why did you even buy the doll if you knew this could
happen?
CANDACE
Look, that weird old man in the antiques shop didn't tell me his creepy fuckin' doll had magical "freaky friday" powers, okay? I had no idea this would happen. Just... touch the doll.
STEWART
No.
CANDACE
Touch the doll.
STEWART
No!
CANDACE
Touch it.
STEWART
Will you stop?
CANDACE
Mom, touch the goddamn doll! I'm sick of carrying these... things... around.
STEWART
Did you just call my breasts "things"?
CANDACE
They just... sit there on my chest, not doin' anything. And don't even get me started about running or going down stairs.
STEWART
Tell me about it.
CANDACE
Okay, mom. Let's do this. Come on, you've had your fun. Time to go back to reality.
STEWART
But honey, I'm having so much fun! I get to see what it's like to have a penis! Which was actually really bizarre at first. Yet oddly empowering. And it's a lot more durable than I imagined.
CANDACE
Mom...
STEWART
For instance, did you know you can bend it and like, yank on it? Like, really hard! I didn't know you could do that.
CANDACE
Mom, stop talking about your dick- MY dick. Just, please? Can ya touch the doll for me? Can ya do that?
STEWART
Also, holy hannah! Have you tried this "molly" stuff? I've never felt anything like it in my life. Everything just felt amazing, and the music! I've never enjoyed listening to The Carpenters, but now...
CANDACE
The who?
STEWART
No, the Carpenters.
CANDACE
What?
STEWART
Also, your friends are awfully touchy feely.
CANDACE
Of course they were touchy feely! You were on ecstasy!
CANDACE
Wait... what happened?
STEWART
Well, it felt so nice to be surrounded by young, hot people wanting to touch me-
CANDACE
Mom, you didn't...
STEWART
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
CANDACE
You had sex with my friends?!
STEWART
Just one, actually.
(Candace raises the water gun again.)
CANDACE
Who?
STEWART
...Harry.
CANDACE
You fucked my best friend? While in my body?
STEWART
Don't blame me. We were both smacked out of our minds!
(Candace sprays Stewart in the face with the water pistol.)
CANDACE
Mom! I'm not gay! And neither is Harry!
STEWART
You might wanna tell him that.
(Candace takes a moment to breath.)
CANDACE
Touch. The. Doll.
STEWART
Do I have to?
CANDACE
Just... touch the doll so I can go convince Harry that I don't want be his lover.
STEWART
Fine. But I'm only doing this 'cause I love you.
(Stewart gently pats his crotch)
Goodbye, my friend.
CANDACE
Ughn. Gross.
(They both touch the doll.)
STEWART
You don't know what you're missing out on, by the way. You have a prostate, and you shouldn't be ignoring- CANDACE
MOM!
(They wait for several seconds, touching the doll.)
CANDACE
Son of a bitch!
STEWART
Did the antiques dealer say this was reversible, oooorrr...
CANDACE
He didn't tell me anything! Shit! I can't believe I'm going to have tits for the rest of my life. My mom's tits.
STEWART
I love you, honey, and I'm very sorry this happened to you. But you have to look on the bright side.
CANDACE
What bright side?
STEWART
At least your father died a long time ago.
CANDACE
What?! Are you kidding me? How is that a bright side?!
(Stewart gives her a knowing look.)
CANDACE
Oh. Oh yeah...
LIGHTS FADE.