Countess Walter
Directed by Colin Johnson
Featuring Aeron Macityre, Melissa Ortiz & Olivia Scott Dahrouge
Walter sits in a rocking chair,
dressed like a early 20th century
female British aristocrat. There is
a knock at the door, Diane gets up
to answer but by the time she gets
to the door, Lucy has already let
herself in. Diane blocks her way.
LUCY
Let me in.
DIANE
Not if you’re going to be negative.
LUCY
I’m not being negative, I’m being sane. Is he here.
DIANE
She is here, yes.
LUCY
You can’t be going along with this.
DIANE
I am accepting who she is.
LUCY
Let me in.
DIANE
No, you’ll just upset her.
LUCY
Dad!
WALTER
Oh let her in, better she bring her insufferable noisemaking
indoors than in front of the neighbors. That Mrs. Troutmore
across the street is fascinated with any business that isn’t
her own. The old Church-Bell.
LUCY
Dad, I am here because I love you and because this...
behavior needs to stop, it isn’t healthy. It’s fucking wierd.
WALTER
Lady Lucille, if we are to continue this conversation, you
will not speak like a common trollop. And you shall either
address me as Mother or by my Title, the Dowager Countess.
DIANE
(With an accent as well.) Mum, shall I bring out the Tea?
WALTER
Yes, Thank you dear girl. It is important we show manners
even when they may be lost on present company.
LUCY
You’re talking with the accent too?
DIANE
Oh it is quite fun, and it’s important we are supportive.
LUCY
This not being supportive this is being an enabler.
DIANE
(Drops the accent) I am not enabling her, sorry she doesn’t
fit your hetero-normative gender roles.
LUCY
Our father is not living his life as a woman because it’s who
he always was. He was in a car accident, went into a coma and
then woke up one day talking like fucking Mary Poppins.
DIANE
That is a totally different accent, Victorian Era Aristocracy
do not talk like singing nannies. Why do you have to degrade
her? Just another transphobe refusing to respect pronouns.
LUCY
Violet Grantham is a fictional character, not a gender
identity.
WALTER
Diana, would you be so kind as to fetch the tea?
DIANE
(Resumes the accent.) Yes Mum.
She leaves. Lucy sits down.
WALTER
If you choose to be unpleasant, this visit will be short.
LUCY
I’m just trying to understand Dad. (Walter coughs and
glares.)...ok fine, fine, ok, fine... mother, shit, this is
crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy, Mother, countess, shit!
WALTER
Language Lady Lucille.
LUCY
You had a traumatic experience. And this, whatever this is
is a manifestation of that trauma.
WALTER
Truth be told dear, I’ve never felt better.
LUCY
I can only imagine what you’re going through, the accident,
losing mom, the coma. You could go somewhere with people who
can help. I need my Dad back, I need Walter, where’s Walter?
WALTER
Dear girl, the person you are looking for is sitting before
you. I simply do not recognize that name and I have made it
quite clear how I would like to be addressed. As for some
grand explanation, you have already alluded to it; this, has
always existed, but after recent, incidents, this is, how did
you put it? Manifesting itself. If I may be honest, I have
spent my whole life fighting it and I do not have the energy.
You are welcome to stay Lucille, you are my daughter and
family is of the upmost importance. I regret however, that
you will be disappointed if you continue with your efforts.
LUCY
So, you’re crazy, you’ve always been crazy, and this just
kinda tipped the scales and you’re fine with it.
WALTER
Precisely my dear.
Diane enters with the tea.
DIANE
(resumes the accent)Tea time mummy. I also made biscuits.
LUCY
I didn’t know you could bake cookies.
WALTER
Oh Diana here is quite helpful I don’t know what I’d do
without her.
DIANE
Will you be staying for tea dear sister?
WALTER
Yes, Lucille, will you be staying?
LUCY
(She takes a moment, then sighs) Sure, I will stay for tea.
WALTER
Lovely, sit down then, Diana, would you serve darling?
Diane serves the tea, they drink.
DIANE
It’s hot
WALTER
Some of us like it that way dear.
BLACKOUT.