Yoos Mooks

February 22, 2016

 

 

Directed by Aeron Macintyre

 

Featuring Dorian Lockett, Megan Luis & Malcolm Rodgers

 

CAST:

MUGSY – male – youthful – any race – nervous, confused goon for a mobster

DONNY – male – older – any race – jaded, professional goon for a mobster

BOSS – female – any age – any race – ruthless and beautiful mobster, also dressed as a 

dude

 

Note: The following should be played in the vein of old-timey slapstick. Feel free to 

insert or delete bouts of comic, Three Stooges-esque violence where desired.

Lights up on MUGSY, who paces back and forth impatiently.

 

DONNY

(entering)

Just got word. The two witnesses are definitely on board the boat and definitely disguised as men.

MUGSY

It ain’t gonna work.

DONNY

It’ll work.

MUGSY

I don’t think it’ll work, Donny. It’s too risky. 

DONNY

Boss says it’ll work, it’ll work.

MUGSY

No amount of scratch is worth this heat, Donny. I’m fixin’ to skip. 

DONNY

(slaps him)

Mugsy, who hooked you up with wheels when you were dewdroppin’?

MUGSY

Boss.

DONNY

Who introduced you to that sweet dame Midgie? You ‘member, the one who did that thing with the other thing?

MUGSY

Boy, what a spicy pepperccini she was. Too bad she turned out to be a stool pigeon.

DONNY

The point is, Mugsy, Boss ain’t never let you down once, right? Right?!

MUGSY

Right. Sorry, Donny. I guess get a little squirrely sometimes. But what we did, Donny. What we did. All those folks, mowed down, just clipped to pieces -- just for bein’ there.

DONNY

They saw what we were up to, Mugsy. Can’t let that go.

MUGSY

Then how’s comes those two phillies were able to scram the chopper squad?

DONNY

Can’t figure. Maybe they were hidin’. Nutty nancies snoopin’ where they shouldn’t.  Don’t worry, Mugsy. They won’t be in the wind for long. Boss will see to that.

MUGSY

The boat’s about to scoot. If we don’t hurry, those twos are gonna get away scot free somewheres over the pond.

DONNY

Heya – heya Boss?! The boat’s about to scoot! We may wanna hop on it!

 

(BOSS enters, a gorgeous woman dressed down as a man with a comically large bulge in her tight pants.)

 

BOSS

Okay, yous mooks ready?

MUGSY

(staring)

Oh – I –

BOSS

What? What’cha staring at? (to Donny) What’s he starin’ at?

DONNY

Nothin’ Boss. You just look – different, I guess.

BOSS

That’s the whole idea, ain’t it, then?

MUGSY

Don’t get mad, Boss.

BOSS

Keep shakin’when we’re in the belly, kid, and I’ll wax the hull with your face grease.

DONNY

He didn’t mean nuthin’, Boss.

BOSS

(slaps Donny)

Don’t interrupt me.

(slaps Mugsy)

I’m tryin’ to cage two canaries who done seen somethin’ they shouldn’t have, and every 

second you gawk at my zucchini bulge is a second those canaries fly a little further, get 

me?

MUGSY

Yes, Boss. I guess I’m just confused and such. I mean, if two dames are stowed-away as 

fellas, why do you have do dress down as a fella when you got two real fellas workin’ for 

ya?

BOSS

(slaps them both)

Because youse a couple incompetent meatheads. Clueless goons. You honestly think you 

can catch those twos? With those anvils weighin’ down ya heads?

 

(MUGSY starts to cry.)

 

BOSS

Is he kidding me? Really? With the waterworks?

DONNY

I think -- the bulge – it’s just a bit much.

BOSS

I’m supposed to be a man, right?

DONNY

I’m not sure what kinda men you been runnin’ with, but – I mean – whoof.

BOSS

Oh. Okay. C’mere, then.

She pulls out the zucchini and slaps Donny with it.

BOSS

You like that? You like getting’ zucchini slapped?

DONNY

No, Boss.

BOSS

(slaps Mugsy)

How ‘bout you, Little Bo Peep? You like it?

MUGSY

Kind of, maybe?! I don’t know anymore, I’m just so confused!

BOSS

(more comic violence)

Coupla cut-ups, huh? Maybe I’ll just hop the boat myself, let yous twos sit here in the cold and talk about your monthlies.

DONNY

No need, Boss. I’m ready to work.

BOSS

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how yous move about with these swollen things.

DONNY

Maybe you should tuck it up in your waistband, so’s to be, you know, less distracting.

BOSS

Tuck into the waistband, huh? I didn’t know you could do that.

MUGSY

It feels fantastic! I mean, not that you’d – you know – feel it, really. (beat, deep breath)  Boss, I’ve never seen you this way, and I’m getting’ some real funny feelings as a result.  I think -- I’d like to buy you a drink, I think. I mean, when this is all over.

BOSS

Nuthin’ wrong with that, Muggs. You’re only human, ain’t ya? Here, keep it warm.  

 

(She tosses the zucchini to Mugsy and as she and Donny exit.  Mugsy holds the zucchini, loses himself in deep thought.)

 

MUGSY

Who am I?

 

Lights out.

THE END

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