Touch The Doll

February 22, 2016

 

 

Directed by Jessica Risco

 

Featuring Mark Vashro & Sarah David

 

FADE UP:

A stool sits center stage. On the stool sits a creepy looking doll. CANDACE  stands stage left. She is pointing a gun at STEWART, who stands opposite her stage right.

 

CANDACE

You have to go back!

STEWART

No. I don't.

CANDACE

Look, just give it back to me and everyone walks outta here.

STEWART

It's just you and me, honey.

CANDACE

I swear I'll pull this trigger!

STEWART

Now why would you go and do a thing like that? You'd just be killing yourself.

CANDACE

And you!

STEWART

Look, I like it here. I don't wanna give this up. And if you kill me, you'll be stuck. Until you die.

 

(Candace YELLS with frustrated rage, and drops the gun to her side.)

 

CANDACE

Why do you always have to be right? It's so unfair!

STEWART

Honey, you haven't talked like that since you were 14 years old.

CANDACE

Come on, mom. Please? Please, can you just touch the creepy doll so we can swap bodies again? I want my life back.  

STEWART

Honey. I love you. But are you kidding me? I mean, just look at this. I don't know if you know this, sweetie, but you are quite the hottie.

CANDACE

Ughn, mom! That's fucking disgusting.

STEWART

Language!

CANDACE

Are you kidding me right now?

STEWART

What? Just because I've taken your body hostage doesn't mean 

I'm not still your mother. Now give me that gun before you 

hurt someone! Pointing a gun at your own mother, my gosh!

CANDACE

It's not even real.

 

(She pulls the trigger, and a small stream of water comes out.)

 

STEWART

Honey, why did you even buy the doll if you knew this could 

happen?

CANDACE

Look, that weird old man in the antiques shop didn't tell me his creepy fuckin' doll had magical "freaky friday" powers, okay? I had no idea this would happen. Just... touch the doll.

STEWART

No.

CANDACE

Touch the doll.

STEWART

No!

CANDACE

Touch it.

STEWART

Will you stop?

CANDACE

Mom, touch the goddamn doll! I'm sick of carrying these... things... around.

STEWART

Did you just call my breasts "things"?

CANDACE

They just... sit there on my chest, not doin' anything. And don't even get me started about running or going down stairs.

STEWART

Tell me about it.

CANDACE

Okay, mom. Let's do this. Come on, you've had your fun. Time to go back to reality.

STEWART

But honey, I'm having so much fun! I get to see what it's like to have a penis! Which was actually really bizarre at first. Yet oddly empowering. And it's a lot more durable than I imagined. 

CANDACE

Mom...

STEWART

For instance, did you know you can bend it and like, yank on it? Like, really hard! I didn't know you could do that.

CANDACE

Mom, stop talking about your dick- MY dick. Just, please? Can ya touch the doll for me? Can ya do that?

STEWART

Also, holy hannah! Have you tried this "molly" stuff? I've never felt anything like it in my life. Everything just felt amazing, and the music! I've never enjoyed listening to The Carpenters, but now...

CANDACE

The who?

STEWART

No, the Carpenters.

CANDACE

What?

STEWART

Also, your friends are awfully touchy feely.

CANDACE

Of course they were touchy feely! You were on ecstasy! 

CANDACE

Wait... what happened?

STEWART

Well, it felt so nice to be surrounded by young, hot people wanting to touch me-

CANDACE

Mom, you didn't...

STEWART

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

CANDACE

You had sex with my friends?! 

STEWART

Just one, actually.

 

(Candace raises the water gun again.)

 

CANDACE

Who?

STEWART

...Harry.

CANDACE

You fucked my best friend? While in my body?

STEWART

Don't blame me. We were both smacked out of our minds!

 

(Candace sprays Stewart in the face with the water pistol.)

 

CANDACE

Mom! I'm not gay! And neither is Harry!

STEWART

You might wanna tell him that.

 

(Candace takes a moment to breath.)

 

CANDACE

Touch. The. Doll. 

STEWART

Do I have to?

CANDACE

Just... touch the doll so I can go convince Harry that I don't want be his lover.

STEWART

Fine. But I'm only doing this 'cause I love you.

 

(Stewart gently pats his crotch)

 

Goodbye, my friend.

 

CANDACE

Ughn. Gross.

 

(They both touch the doll.)

 

STEWART

You don't know what you're missing out on, by the way. You have a prostate, and you shouldn't be ignoring-
CANDACE

MOM!

 

(They wait for several seconds, touching the doll.)

 

CANDACE

Son of a bitch!

STEWART

Did the antiques dealer say this was reversible, oooorrr...

CANDACE

He didn't tell me anything! Shit! I can't believe I'm going to have tits for the rest of my life. My mom's tits.

STEWART

I love you, honey, and I'm very sorry this happened to you.  But you have to look on the bright side.

CANDACE

What bright side?

STEWART

At least your father died a long time ago.

CANDACE

What?! Are you kidding me? How is that a bright side?!

 

(Stewart gives her a knowing look.)

 

CANDACE

Oh. Oh yeah...

 

LIGHTS FADE.

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