Some Liketh It Hot

February 22, 2016

 

 

Directed by Aeron Macintyre

 

Featuring Laura Peterson, Nima Slone & Randy Russell

 

Cast of Characters

Viola: Awesome heroine from 12th Night. Wearing a mustache andtrousers.What? She totally i s.

Lady Macbeth: Awesome heroine from Macbeth.

Hamlet: He’s Hamlet.

 

Scene

An Elizabethan bar. Somewhere between Illyria, Scotland, and Denmark.

 

Time

Tonight. Or maybe late 16th century. But totally night time.

 

Lady Macbeth sips red wine. Viola drinks straight

whiskey.

LADY MACBETH

I don’t understand the problem.

VIOLA

Well, I’m in love with Orsino.

LADY MACBETH

Uh, huh. Love is good. Not as nice as a crown, but definitely a marvelous sensation.

VIOLA

But he thinks I’m a man. And the woman he’s in love with, Olivia, she’s in love with me because she thinks I’m a man, too.

LADY MACBETH

Why do they think you’re a man, Viola? Did you get evil spirits to unsex you?

VIOLA

No, they think I’m a man because I told them I was Cesario. And I’m dressed like this.

LADY MACBETH

That’s it? That’s all you had to do? I didn’t know you could do that...

VIOLA

Yeah, you can, but you end up in heartbreaking love triangles!

LADY MACBETH

But still eligible for the monarchy. I mean, purely hypothetically speaking, you could still be queen.

VIOLA

King.

LADY MACBETH

King! Even better. Seriously, I don’t see the problem.

 

(Hamlet enters. All in black. Tights. He has a fancy cocktail with an umbrella.)

 

HAMLET

You think you have problems?

 

(Hamlet puts his skull on the table.)

 

LADY MACBETH

Oh sweet baby Jesus, not you again. Barkeep, I need a new glass of red. This one has a spot.

HAMLET

Hi, Cesario. Hi, Lady M-.

LADY MACBETH

Don’t say it. We’ll have half the bar spinning and spitting.

VIOLA

How’s it hanging, Hambone?

HAMLET

Same as usual. Existential dread. Inability to get the ol’ dagger up-
LADY MACBETH

I still don’t see the problem, though. Surely they knowdeep down that you’re not a man.

 

(Hamlet gets up, ready to defend his honor.)

 

HAMLET

Who’s he that calls me coward? Plucks me by theybeard-
LADY MACBETH

Woah, tiger, not you.

 

(Hamlet sits back down.)

 

HAMLET

Who then? Cesario?! No way. Cesario has a mustache.

 

(Lady Macbeth points to Viola. Viola removes her mustache. Hamlet falls off his

chair.)

 

What the?! I don’t know who I am anymore. Up is down,

black is white, ghosts walking the parapets...

LADY MACBETH

Seriously? A fake mustache, Viola? That’s all it takes?

VIOLA

Pretty much.

LADY MACBETH

Why did I marry?

HAMLET

Oh my gosh, does Orsino know?

VIOLA

No, that’s the problem.

HAMLET

That is a problem. And poor Olivia’s going to shit a brick.

LADY MACBETH

You could kill him.

VIOLA

What?

LADY MACBETH

You could kill him. Then he would never find out. Put some sleeping potion in his-
VIOLA

I don’t see how that fixes anything. And there’s still the Olivia situ-
LADY MACBETH

Kill her, too.

VIOLA

I’m not killing anyone.

HAMLET

Wait, what was the first step? Sleeping potion?

LADY MACBETH

Why? It’s a perfectly elegant solution. Then you wouldn’t have to share the crown.

VIOLA

I’m not after the crown.

LADY MACBETH

I’m not either, who said I was?

HAMLET

I am, but my uncle has it and he has icky ear poison.

LADY MACBETH

Well, you’re not after the crown and you don’t want to kill anyone, so what on earth do you want?

VIOLA

Orsino. I want love. With Orsino.

LADY MACBETH

Huh. That’s it? Takes all kinds, I guess.

HAMLET

Look, I’m hardly one to give advice, but... do you like being Cesario?

VIOLA

Other than the heartbreak and random duel challenges, yeah. There’s a certain freedom in trousers. I can do things they would never let a lady do.

HAMLET

Do you feel just the teensiest bit like Cesario is a real part of you? Just like Viola is?

VIOLA

I do. Yeah.

HAMLET

You look great. Some are born great.

LADY MACBETH

Some achieve greatness.

HAMLET

Some have greatness "thrust upon them." Do you get the impression that he’s into you? Late night "guy talks" that get grabby?

VIOLA

How did you know? It’s confusing because he keeps sending me to woo Olivia, but otherwise it’s kinda hot.

HAMLET

Beautiful, you don’t need to do a thing. Why decide? Viola/Cesario is hot. Some Liketh it Hot. Let time untangle this. You be you, honey.

VIOLA

Thank you. I’m gonna go stuff my codpiece.

HAMLET

Mustache!

 

(They hug. Viola grabs mustache and exits.)

 

LADY MACBETH

Uncle has your crown, huh?

 

(Lady Macbeth picks up her purse, a dagger falls out.)

 

Oopsie.

HAMLET

Is this a dagger I see before me?

LADY MACBETH

Feel like screwing your courage to the sticking place?

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