February 22, 2016
Directed by Aeron Macintyre
Featuring Laura Peterson, Nima Slone & Randy Russell
Cast of Characters
Viola: Awesome heroine from 12th Night. Wearing a mustache andtrousers.What? She totally i s.
Lady Macbeth: Awesome heroine from Macbeth.
Hamlet: He’s Hamlet.
An Elizabethan bar. Somewhere between Illyria, Scotland, and Denmark.
Tonight. Or maybe late 16th century. But totally night time.
Lady Macbeth sips red wine. Viola drinks straight
I don’t understand the problem.
Well, I’m in love with Orsino.
Uh, huh. Love is good. Not as nice as a crown, but definitely a marvelous sensation.
But he thinks I’m a man. And the woman he’s in love with, Olivia, she’s in love with me because she thinks I’m a man, too.
Why do they think you’re a man, Viola? Did you get evil spirits to unsex you?
No, they think I’m a man because I told them I was Cesario. And I’m dressed like this.
That’s it? That’s all you had to do? I didn’t know you could do that...
Yeah, you can, but you end up in heartbreaking love triangles!
But still eligible for the monarchy. I mean, purely hypothetically speaking, you could still be queen.
King! Even better. Seriously, I don’t see the problem.
(Hamlet enters. All in black. Tights. He has a fancy cocktail with an umbrella.)
You think you have problems?
(Hamlet puts his skull on the table.)
Oh sweet baby Jesus, not you again. Barkeep, I need a new glass of red. This one has a spot.
Hi, Cesario. Hi, Lady M-.
Don’t say it. We’ll have half the bar spinning and spitting.
How’s it hanging, Hambone?
Same as usual. Existential dread. Inability to get the ol’ dagger up-LADY MACBETH
I still don’t see the problem, though. Surely they knowdeep down that you’re not a man.
(Hamlet gets up, ready to defend his honor.)
Who’s he that calls me coward? Plucks me by theybeard-LADY MACBETH
Woah, tiger, not you.
(Hamlet sits back down.)
Who then? Cesario?! No way. Cesario has a mustache.
(Lady Macbeth points to Viola. Viola removes her mustache. Hamlet falls off his
What the?! I don’t know who I am anymore. Up is down,
black is white, ghosts walking the parapets...
Seriously? A fake mustache, Viola? That’s all it takes?
Why did I marry?
Oh my gosh, does Orsino know?
No, that’s the problem.
That is a problem. And poor Olivia’s going to shit a brick.
You could kill him.
You could kill him. Then he would never find out. Put some sleeping potion in his-VIOLA
I don’t see how that fixes anything. And there’s still the Olivia situ-LADY MACBETH
Kill her, too.
I’m not killing anyone.
Wait, what was the first step? Sleeping potion?
Why? It’s a perfectly elegant solution. Then you wouldn’t have to share the crown.
I’m not after the crown.
I’m not either, who said I was?
I am, but my uncle has it and he has icky ear poison.
Well, you’re not after the crown and you don’t want to kill anyone, so what on earth do you want?
Orsino. I want love. With Orsino.
Huh. That’s it? Takes all kinds, I guess.
Look, I’m hardly one to give advice, but... do you like being Cesario?
Other than the heartbreak and random duel challenges, yeah. There’s a certain freedom in trousers. I can do things they would never let a lady do.
Do you feel just the teensiest bit like Cesario is a real part of you? Just like Viola is?
I do. Yeah.
You look great. Some are born great.
Some achieve greatness.
Some have greatness "thrust upon them." Do you get the impression that he’s into you? Late night "guy talks" that get grabby?
How did you know? It’s confusing because he keeps sending me to woo Olivia, but otherwise it’s kinda hot.
Beautiful, you don’t need to do a thing. Why decide? Viola/Cesario is hot. Some Liketh it Hot. Let time untangle this. You be you, honey.
Thank you. I’m gonna go stuff my codpiece.
(They hug. Viola grabs mustache and exits.)
Uncle has your crown, huh?
(Lady Macbeth picks up her purse, a dagger falls out.)
Is this a dagger I see before me?
Feel like screwing your courage to the sticking place?
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