Countess Walter

February 22, 2016

 

 

Directed by Colin Johnson

 

Featuring Aeron Macityre, Melissa Ortiz & Olivia Scott Dahrouge

 

Walter sits in a rocking chair, 

dressed like a early 20th century 

female British aristocrat. There is 

a knock at the door, Diane gets up 

to answer but by the time she gets 

to the door, Lucy has already let 

herself in. Diane blocks her way.

LUCY

Let me in.

DIANE

Not if you’re going to be negative.

LUCY

I’m not being negative, I’m being sane. Is he here.

DIANE

She is here, yes.

LUCY

You can’t be going along with this.

DIANE

I am accepting who she is.

LUCY

Let me in.

DIANE

No, you’ll just upset her.

LUCY

Dad!

WALTER

Oh let her in, better she bring her insufferable noisemaking 

indoors than in front of the neighbors. That Mrs. Troutmore

across the street is fascinated with any business that isn’t 

her own. The old Church-Bell.

LUCY

Dad, I am here because I love you and because this... 

behavior needs to stop, it isn’t healthy. It’s fucking wierd. 

WALTER

Lady Lucille, if we are to continue this conversation, you 

will not speak like a common trollop. And you shall either 

address me as Mother or by my Title, the Dowager Countess. 

DIANE

(With an accent as well.) Mum, shall I bring out the Tea?

WALTER

Yes, Thank you dear girl. It is important we show manners 

even when they may be lost on present company.

LUCY

You’re talking with the accent too?

DIANE

Oh it is quite fun, and it’s important we are supportive.

LUCY

This not being supportive this is being an enabler.

DIANE

(Drops the accent) I am not enabling her, sorry she doesn’t 

fit your hetero-normative gender roles.

LUCY

Our father is not living his life as a woman because it’s who 

he always was. He was in a car accident, went into a coma and 

then woke up one day talking like fucking Mary Poppins. 

DIANE

That is a totally different accent, Victorian Era Aristocracy 

do not talk like singing nannies. Why do you have to degrade 

her? Just another transphobe refusing to respect pronouns.

LUCY

Violet Grantham is a fictional character, not a gender 

identity.

WALTER

Diana, would you be so kind as to fetch the tea?

DIANE

(Resumes the accent.) Yes Mum. 

She leaves. Lucy sits down. 

WALTER

If you choose to be unpleasant, this visit will be short.

LUCY

I’m just trying to understand Dad. (Walter coughs and 

glares.)...ok fine, fine, ok, fine... mother, shit, this is 

crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy, Mother, countess, shit!

WALTER

Language Lady Lucille.

LUCY

You had a traumatic experience. And this, whatever this is 

is a manifestation of that trauma. 

WALTER

Truth be told dear, I’ve never felt better.

LUCY

I can only imagine what you’re going through, the accident, 

losing mom, the coma. You could go somewhere with people who 

can help. I need my Dad back, I need Walter, where’s Walter?

WALTER

Dear girl, the person you are looking for is sitting before 

you. I simply do not recognize that name and I have made it 

quite clear how I would like to be addressed. As for some 

grand explanation, you have already alluded to it; this, has 

always existed, but after recent, incidents, this is, how did 

you put it? Manifesting itself. If I may be honest, I have 

spent my whole life fighting it and I do not have the energy. 

You are welcome to stay Lucille, you are my daughter and 

family is of the upmost importance. I regret however, that 

you will be disappointed if you continue with your efforts. 

LUCY

So, you’re crazy, you’ve always been crazy, and this just 

kinda tipped the scales and you’re fine with it.

WALTER

Precisely my dear.

Diane enters with the tea.

DIANE

(resumes the accent)Tea time mummy. I also made biscuits.

LUCY

I didn’t know you could bake cookies.

WALTER

Oh Diana here is quite helpful I don’t know what I’d do 

without her. 

DIANE

Will you be staying for tea dear sister?

WALTER

Yes, Lucille, will you be staying?

LUCY

(She takes a moment, then sighs) Sure, I will stay for tea. 

WALTER

Lovely, sit down then, Diana, would you serve darling?

Diane serves the tea, they drink.

DIANE

It’s hot

WALTER

Some of us like it that way dear.

BLACKOUT.

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