The Opposite Force Attracts
Directed by Aeron Macintyre
With Brett Jones & Haley Lovgren
A dimly lit, bare room. JOSIE and BLAKE are having sex offstage.
JOSIE:
Oh, yeah! give me your hot lightsaber!
BLAKE:
Oh, you know I’m gonna give you my lightsaber, Padme. Yeah!
JOSIE:
Let the Force guide you!!
BLAKE:
Oh, it’s guiding me your Highness! Take me in your pit of Carkoon and let me feed your Sarlaac!
JOSIE:
Oh, yeah! The Force is strong in this one you sick Sith Bastard!!
(simulataneous climax with JOSIE)
BLAKE:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!!! Oh, OBI-WAN!!!... What?
(simultaneous climax with BLAKE)
JOSIE:
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!!! Oh, LEIA!!!... What?
Josie rushes on stage wrapped in a blanket with the Padme hood on. BLAKE rushes on after her buttoning up his pants wearing the Sith costume.
JOSIE: What the hell was that?
BLAKE:
What do you mean?
JOSIE:
You called me... Obi Wan!
BLAKE:
No I didn’t! I said "Oh.. me.. wan’t..." You called me Leia!
JOSIE:
No, I said "L... yeah!"
BLAKE:
Truth telling, you are not!
JOSIE:
Don’t think you can get out of this by pulling a Yoda!
BLAKE:
Look, you’re the one who came up with this game.
JOSIE:
Well, excuse me for wanting to add a little Wampa in the bedroom!
BLAKE:
That is a terrible metaphor! Those things are disgusting!
JOSIE:
So, what does this mean? Are you not into me anymore?
BLAKE:
You’re the one who thought there was a "problem". I was playing along. I got a little carried away. Obi reminds me of my college professor Mr. Moberly. He was so dashing and refined. He just popped into my head.
JOSIE:
Just admit it; you’re attracted to the Light Side.
BLAKE:
And you’re attracted to... the lighter side. What’s the difference?
JOSIE:
Look. we both know Quadra-X is hotter than Xy, Xy.
BLAKE:
I think there are millions of gay men who would disagree. And that has nothing to do with this.
JOSIE:
I know. I just don’t know if I can get the image of you and Obi out of my head.
BLAKE:
I know what you mean. I can’t stop thinking of you and the princess.
They sit in silence. It’s clear that Blake is enjoying his image more than Josie is.
BLAKE:
So... Leia, huh?
JOSIE:
I always loved her hot little cinnabun hairdo. I have to admit, I’ve had fantasies of being Padme and cheating on Anakin with her.
BLAKE:
That would be having sex with your daughter!
JOSIE:
I didn’t think it through! I should have known this would happen when I found you in bed with that photo of Boba-Fett.
BLAKE:
I was studying his costume!
JOSIE:
With tissues and Jergens?
BLAKE:
I can multitask! I have to moisturize to get the spandex tights on!
JOSIE:
Look, Blake, I’m not judging you. It’s obvious we just both want different things.
BLAKE:
I don’t think so. We’ve had a great time together until now. C’mon, we’re so good together. We both like the same things; Sci-Fi, Comicon, brunch, mimosas.
JOSIE:
I’ll drink to that (they have a moment of possible reconciliation) No. I don’t think that’s enough. I think we’re done here.
She starts going around the room gathering up belongings.
BLAKE:
What are you doing?
JOSIE:
What does it look like? I’m leaving.
BLAKE:
Josie, you don’t have to do this!
JOSIE:
Why not?
BLAKE:
Well, for starters, this is your apartment.
JOSIE:
Well we have to do something... You like men, I like women. It’s simple... I mean it’s not simple because I also like men...
BLAKE:
And I like women too... I like... I Love you!
She stops.
JOSIE: You do?
He goes to her and holds her.
BLAKE:
Yes. This doesn’t have to be the end. This could be the start of something new. No secrets.
JOSIE:
You really think so?
BLAKE:
I know it. The Force is strong here.
Blake goes to the pile of things she’s gathered up and picks up a pair of Princess Leia hair buns. He holds them up on either side of his head.
BLAKE:
Please Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.
JOSIE:
Use the Force Leia!
They run off to the bedroom.
END