The Wookie Option

December 31, 2015

 

Directed by Ray Renati

With Darek Burkowski and Christian Haines

 

A desk at center stage. Seated at the desk is DUKE FODA, an executive. He is chewing gum. Across from Duke is DAR VALO, a former storm trooper.

 

DUKE
Yeah, when the empire fell after that pussy kid killed the

Emperor and Vader, it left a power vacuum in the galaxy.

 

He takes a flask out of his jacket and takes a swig.

 

DUKE
You want some of this Bantha Blood?

VALO

No, no I'm fine.

DUKE
It's not really Bantha Blood. It's booze, get it?

VALO
I know what Bantha Blood is, Mr Foda.

DUKE
Look who's snappy all of a sudden. You want this job or not,

kid?

VALO

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yes, Yes I absolutely want this job.

DUKE

Good. Now where was I?

VALO

Uhh, power vacuum.

DUKE
Right. Yeah. So the Emperor's gone, Vader's gone, and who do you think steps in to run all the gambling, prostitution, and murder?

VALO

You?

DUKE
No, dipshit. The SCION corporation. I wish I'd thought of it. You sure you don't want some of this Bantha Blood? It'll put hair on your picnic parts.

VALO

Picnic parts?

DUKE
Yeah, it's what my Grandma used to call your junk. It's funny, right? It's funny 'cause it's like she's talking about your junk without actually talking about your junk. Ha!

VALO
Why was your Grandma talking to you about your genitalia?

 

Duke ignores this comment.

 

DUKE
Look, kid. I got three questions I ask anyone who comes into this office lookin' for a job. You ready?

VALO

I was born ready.

DUKE

I'll drink to that.

 

Duke takes a swig from his flask.

 

DUKE
Question number one: What was your last job?

VALO
Well, actually, I... uh... I used to be a stormtrooper.

DUKE
Ha! Really? The guys with the shitty plastic armor and terrible aim?

VALO

I was pretty good...

DUKE
You guys probably couldn't hit one of those giant walkers if

it was right in front of ya! You know what I mean? Walkers? Ya know, they're all-

 

He proceeds to do an impression of an AT-AT Walker with his arms.


VRRRrrrr-ga-CHUNK. VRRRRrrrr-ga-chunk! Ya know. Walkers?

 

VALO

Yeah, I uh... I used to drive one.

 

DUKE

Oh. So you do know. (beat) Wait a sec. Weren't all you guysclones or somethin'?

 

 

VALO
Well, we all used to be clones. But then the Jedi destroyed the cloning facility on Kamino, and the Empire outsourced to-

DUKE
Yeah, yeah. I'm already bored. Question number two. Why do you want to work for the SCION corporation?

VALO
Well, it all began a long time ago-

 

Valo stands and moves downstage to face the audience, as Luke's theme from episode IV plays.

 

VALO
-in a galaxy... well, in this galaxy, actually. My mother and

father were spice smugglers in the outer rim, and despite the lucrative nature of their business-

 

Duke has moved from his chair to stand behind Valo.

 

-my father, he... he owed thousands of credits to a Hutt named Danta. We were hunted across the sector by anyone with a blaster. I had no friends. I was always alone.

 

DUKE (moving his hand to Valo’s shoulder)

The force can be a harsh mistress. I feel for ya, kid.

VALO

Really?

DUKE
No. Look. I don't want your life story, I want to either hire you or kick you the hell outta my office so I can wank it to this new Twi'lek Dancer hologram I just got.

VALO

Ew.

DUKE
So. Why. Do you. Want to work. Here.

VALO
I just... I just need a job, man.

DUKE
Honesty. I like it. Question number three. If I gave you one million credits, right now... would you be willing to star in a Wookie porno? Specifically, a Wookie bukkake-orgy?

VALO
What? No. Is that... is that what this interview is about?  Are... are you a holo-porn producer?

DUKE
Come on. Million credits. You could pay off your father's debt to the Hutts...

VALO
The Hutts fed him to the Sarlacc on Tatooine.

DUKE
Oh. Well, how about a sweet-ass tie-fighter, huh? Maybe an apartment in the Cloud City on Bespin? A Million credits for riding a river of Wookie cum. Whaddya think, kid?

VALO

Are you serious right now?

 

There's a pregnant pause.

 

DUKE
Nah. I just wanted to see how you’d react. You’re hired.

VALO

Just like that?

Duke (Shaking Valo's hand)

Yeah. You’re funny. I like funny. Welcome to the SCION corporation, kid. You will never find a more wretched hive of-

VALO

-scum and villainy?

DUKE
No, of assholes and money grubbers. Don’t interrupt me.

VALO

Sorry.

DUKE

Anything else?

VALO

Um... what exactly is the job? The ad was a little unclear.

DUKE
You know the trash compactors in all these buildings? The ones with the giant, garbage-eating monsters in them?

VALO

Yeah...

DUKE

Yeah, you clean those now. That's your job.

 

Valo moves to the exit, dejected. He stops and turns back to Foda.

 

VALO
Is the Wookie option still on the table?

 

LIGHTS FADE.

 

 

 

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