The Opposite Force Attracts

December 31, 2015

 

Directed by Aeron Macintyre

With Brett Jones & Haley Lovgren

 

A dimly lit, bare room. JOSIE and BLAKE are having sex offstage.

 

JOSIE:

Oh, yeah! give me your hot lightsaber!

BLAKE:

Oh, you know I’m gonna give you my lightsaber, Padme. Yeah!

JOSIE:

Let the Force guide you!!

BLAKE:

Oh, it’s guiding me your Highness! Take me in your pit of Carkoon and let me feed your Sarlaac!

JOSIE:

Oh, yeah! The Force is strong in this one you sick Sith Bastard!!

 

(simulataneous climax with JOSIE)

 

BLAKE:

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!!! Oh, OBI-WAN!!!... What?

 

(simultaneous climax with BLAKE)

 

JOSIE:

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!!! Oh, LEIA!!!... What?

 

Josie rushes on stage wrapped in a blanket with the Padme hood on. BLAKE rushes on after her buttoning up his pants wearing the Sith costume.

JOSIE: What the hell was that?

BLAKE:

What do you mean?

JOSIE:

You called me... Obi Wan!

BLAKE:

No I didn’t! I said "Oh.. me.. wan’t..." You called me Leia!

JOSIE:

No, I said "L... yeah!"

BLAKE:

Truth telling, you are not!

JOSIE:

Don’t think you can get out of this by pulling a Yoda!

BLAKE:

Look, you’re the one who came up with this game.

JOSIE:

Well, excuse me for wanting to add a little Wampa in the bedroom!

BLAKE:

That is a terrible metaphor! Those things are disgusting!

JOSIE:

So, what does this mean? Are you not into me anymore?

BLAKE:

You’re the one who thought there was a "problem". I was playing along. I got a little carried away. Obi reminds me of my college professor Mr. Moberly. He was so dashing and refined. He just popped into my head.

JOSIE:

Just admit it; you’re attracted to the Light Side.

BLAKE:

And you’re attracted to... the lighter side. What’s the difference?

JOSIE:

Look. we both know Quadra-X is hotter than Xy, Xy.

BLAKE:

I think there are millions of gay men who would disagree. And that has nothing to do with this.

JOSIE:

I know. I just don’t know if I can get the image of you and Obi out of my head.

BLAKE:

I know what you mean. I can’t stop thinking of you and the princess.

 

They sit in silence. It’s clear that Blake is enjoying his image more than Josie is.

 

BLAKE:

So... Leia, huh?

JOSIE:

I always loved her hot little cinnabun hairdo. I have to admit, I’ve had fantasies of being Padme and cheating on Anakin with her.

BLAKE:

That would be having sex with your daughter!

JOSIE:

I didn’t think it through! I should have known this would happen when I found you in bed with that photo of Boba-Fett.

BLAKE:

I was studying his costume!

JOSIE:

With tissues and Jergens?

BLAKE:

I can multitask! I have to moisturize to get the spandex tights on!

JOSIE:

Look, Blake, I’m not judging you. It’s obvious we just both want different things.

BLAKE:

I don’t think so. We’ve had a great time together until now. C’mon, we’re so good together. We both like the same things; Sci-Fi, Comicon, brunch, mimosas.

JOSIE:

I’ll drink to that (they have a moment of possible reconciliation) No. I don’t think that’s enough. I think we’re done here.

 

She starts going around the room gathering up belongings.

 

BLAKE:

What are you doing?

JOSIE:

What does it look like? I’m leaving.

BLAKE:

Josie, you don’t have to do this!

JOSIE:

Why not?

BLAKE:

Well, for starters, this is your apartment.

JOSIE:

Well we have to do something... You like men, I like women. It’s simple... I mean it’s not simple because I also like men...

BLAKE:

And I like women too... I like... I Love you!

 

She stops.

 

JOSIE: You do?

 

He goes to her and holds her.

 

BLAKE:

Yes. This doesn’t have to be the end. This could be the start of something new. No secrets.

JOSIE:

You really think so?

BLAKE:

I know it. The Force is strong here.

 

Blake goes to the pile of things she’s gathered up and picks up a pair of Princess Leia hair buns. He holds them up on either side of his head.

 

BLAKE:

Please Obi Wan, you’re my only hope.

JOSIE:

Use the Force Leia!

 

They run off to the bedroom.

 

END

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