Star Wars On Ice
Directed by Claire Rice
With Eden Neuendorf & Colin Johnson
ELISE, a pretty blond recent college grad
RON, her boyfriend
Elise and Ron met in college in a class on mythology and popular culture. They’ve been dating for 4 years. She won’t sleep with him until he puts a ring on it. They’re both virgins.
At the Ice Hotel in Sweden. Elise is wearing a white ski suit and her hair is up in braids. He’s wearing black pants, white shirt, black vest (he’s freezing but committed to the outfit). There’s a bed with furs strewn across it as bedspreads. As the scene opens, Elise is trying to be enthusiastic but is actually incredulous and kind of pissed, for one because she’s really, really cold. They switch into slightly campy Star Wars-style acting once they’ve both revealed their fetishes. At the beginning, they’re sort of awkward and virginal.
ELISE
I can’t believe you brought me all the way to the iIce hHotel.
RON
I know, right? Isn’t it SO cool? Oh -- (laughs)
ELISE
Good one, honey. (beat) Why don’t you put a jacket on?
RON
I’m fine. (then she tries putting on a warm hat but he stops her) Please -- don’t put that on. (because he wants to see her Leia braids) You’re shivering though.
ELISE
No -- I’m just excited to find out what we’re doing here. Too bad I can’t wear any of the stuff I packed for Italy. (sighs)
RON
I know...I’m sorry I had to trick you, babe. I needed a way to get you to the snow and icearctic circle since you hate being cold. (beat) The reason is really special.
ELISE
Special, huh? And, um, are we really sleeping on that ice block? I don’t see any barrier pillows. (beat) I guess we could just put the reindeer head between us. (weirdly petting the fur)
RON
(cautiously) Unless we don’t need to sleep with a reindeer head between us. Ok. (to self) Breathe. Elise? I have something I want to ask you.
ELISE
(breathless)Yes?
RON
You know how much I love --
(simultaneously)
ELISE RON
I do! Star Wars.
ELISE
Did you just say Star Wars?
RON
Yeah.
ELISE
Do I? I remember how you’d always interrupt the professor in Mythology and Popular Culture class. You were REALLY excited to talk about ewoks being modern-day satyrs or whatever. (shaking her head faux dismissively at the memory, then goes to the window) When are the northern lights supposed to come on?
RON
Ewoks? (shaking his head as in, ‘that’s SO not what i’m into’) Anyway, yeah, I was pretty into it. I mean, am into it. Like, a lot.
ELISE
It’s so nice you wanted to share that with me. (beat) Is there anything else you wanted to ask me? And is there a heater in here?
RON
No, just us. And ice. (beat) Which is kind of the point.
ELISE
(something’s dawning on her) Ice. Sparkling...and rock hard. (fondling her ring finger) What is it, then?
RON
Do you ever picture something happening exactly a certain way? Like a fantasy in your head that could become reality?
ELISE
Yes. Every little girl does.
RON
(getting down on one knee, taking her hand in his) So you know that part in The Empire Strikes Back when they’re on Hoth at the rebel base, and the storm troopers are closing in, and Han and Leia are arguing in the corridor? You know, after she chases him but isn’t able to reveal her feelings, but he calls her on it? And even though they’re being pursued, the sexual tension is, like, super thick? Like you could cut it with a light saber?
ELISE
Um, yeah, I guess.
RON
And then he says, “Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?” And she’s like, “I’d just as soon kiss a wookie.” And he’s like, “I can arrange that?” You know that part?
ELISE
No, I don’t. And honestly, Ron, I’m feeling a little confused right now.
RON
Can you call me Han? Just for tonight. Please.
ELISE
(trying to go with it) Okay. Go on.
RON
Well, I was wondering if we could act out that scene, but first, would you put these on? (hands her Princess Leia strudel earmuff buns) But instead of what happens in the movie, you know, instead of me storming away, we get on the ice and, you know…?
ELISE
(eyes filling with angry tears) No, I don’t know Ron --
RON
Han.
ELISE
-- whatever -- HAN -- this isn’t exactly what I thought you were going to --
RON
Oh, and also, will you marry me?
ELISE
(confused) Um...I...what the fuck?
RON
I just want to go all the way in...the ice corridor. (Elise looks in the direction of her lady parts in confusion) Look, I was afraid to tell you all these years, but I have...a fetish of sorts. And I love you. So...
ELISE
Why didn’t you tell me before?
RON
I wanted everything to be perfect. And I needed us to be here. (beat) It also took me kind of a while to save the money for the deluxe suite with the ice slide. (beat; earnestly) I also figured if it hurts, because I heard it can hurt the first time, you could, you know, cool yourself directly on the bed frame.
ELISE
Cool myself? You do understand what happens when you put something hot and moist on ice, don’t you? I can’t believe this is happening to me. (cries)
RON
I’m sorry, Princess.
ELISE
Please don’t ever call me that again.
RON
Sorry. I just want you to know ALL of me. And I thought if you really loved me, maybe you’d do this one thing. Obviously I’ve goneI guess I went too far.
ELISE
(after a pause) It’s okay, honey. There’s a little something I’ve been meaning to tell you too.
RON
Oh?
ELISE
I also kinda thought...I thought the furs meant you’d figured out a piece of my puzzle. One I’ve been waiting to show you.
Elise gets the fur blanket thing and holds it out for Ron to put on. She pulls a furry bear hat out of her bag and puts it on.
RON
(taking the fur) Is this what I think? Ewoks?
ELISE
Including but not limited to. (beat) I’ve been a furry all along, Ron. I mean Han. But I do love the Ewok party scene in the end of thatthe third movie.
RON
I’ll drink to that! (pours them vodka since they’re in Sweden) Is it ok if we do my scene first? Since, that would be, likeTo keep it chronological?
ELISE
Totally. (he removes fur, she puts on Leia earmuffs)
RON
Oh, and also, do you still want to get married?
ELISE
Let’sCan we talk about it tomorrow.? For now, let’s justI promise I'll ‘search ourmy feelings.’ Was that right? (giggles)
RON
GOD I love you.
ELISE
I know.
LIGHTS