May the Farce be With You

December 31, 2015

 

Directed by Alison Whismore

With Melissa Ortiz, Aeron Macintyre & Leon Goertzen

 

Cast of Characters

Princess Leia: Very Pregnant. If possible in a white robe.

Han Solo: Looking just like Han Solo- with a huge baby bag.

Obi GYN:An Imperial Obstetrician who follows the rules

 

Scene

A Doctor’s Office in a Galaxy far, far away

 

Time

Long ago

 

 

ObiGYN is looking at paperwork. Scream heard offstage. Very pregnant Leia enters.

 

LEIA

Carbonite freezing reduces sperm count, he said. Ahhhh!

OBGYN

Oh! Do you have an appointment?

LEIA

I’m in labor! An appointment?! Seriously?

OBGYN

This is definitely irregular. The nurse is supposed to help you fill out Imperial Insurance forms...

 

Leia has a contraction that forces her into a crouch. She has the doctor by the lapels so she takes him down with her.

 

LEIA

Aaah! Help me, OBi GYN, you’re my only hope!

OBGYN

Oh! Okay, a few quick questions- name?

LEIA
Leia

OBGYN

Occupation?

LEIA

Princess.

OBGYN

Princess! That must nice, waiting for your prince-

LEIA

No. Fuck that. Leading the Rebel Resistance kind of Princess- Aaaaaaah.

OBGYN

Oh, sorry! Right. Um. Do you have a partner?

LEIA
Solo.

OBGYN

So no spouse.

LEIA

Yes, spouse. Solo. Han. His name is Han Solo.

OBGYN

Is he coming?

LEIA

Parking the Millennium Falcon. We should have been here an hour ago but he took an R2Detour.

OBGYN

I C-3PO. Your mother?

LEIA

Princess Amadalabadalalabala...

OBGYN

Any history of complications with childbirth?

LEIA

Mom died giving birth to my brother and me.

OBGYN

Are you sure you should have risked pregnancy?

LEIA

Little late for that, Obi. If you’re ever asked about the debate- make no mistake- Han shot first! Aaaaaaah!

 

Han Solo bursts in

 

SOLO
There she is! Found her, Chewie! (Chewie responds from the hallway) How is she doing, doc? I’ve got the baby bag. Diapers, change of clothes-

LEIA

I’m going to kill you!

SOLO

You don’t mean that. She doesn’t mean that.

OBGYN

Into an intercom

Dr. Ackbar, I have an emergency delivery in Room 1, can you bring me a blanket?

We’re short on supplies, it’s been a madhouse. One more question, name of the mother’s father? Next of kin.

LEIA

You don’t want to know. Can you please just take this thing out of me?

SOLO

Our precious son. Who’s going to have my wit, charm, and mechanical ability, and the mitochlorines of his uncle.

LEIA

Do. Not. Start.

OBGYN

Your father’s name, please.

SOLO

Well, Sith you asked...

LEIA

Darth Vader.

SOLO AND OBGYN

Their best Luke impression.

No. Nooooooooooo! That’s not true. That’s impossible.

OBGYN

I am so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.

LEIA

It happens all the time. Aaaaah!

OBGYN

Okay, help the princess to lay on the table, Mr. Solo. Any relaxing exercises you’ve prepared... Where is Ackbar with that blanket?

SOLO

Princess, go to your happy place. Envision blowing up the Death Star, I’ll check on the blanket. Where’s Ackbar?

OBGYN

Third door on the right. Don’t go in the next room. There’s a disturbance in the fourth.

Han leaves

Breathe deeply. That’s it. Gloves.

A furry paw comes up from under the table, gives

ObiGYN the gloves. We hear an Ewok say, "Yub Nub."

Yub Nub. Deep slow breaths.

Han comes back with a blue plastic sheet.

What’s that?

SOLO

Hospital’s out of blankets. Ackbar says, "It’s a tarp!"

LEIA

Ahhhhhhh!

 

Solo runs over and puts his arms around her. Takes her hand. Begins breathing with her.

 

OBGYN

Okay, on the count of three, push like your selling Star Wars swag at Disneyland- 1, 2, 3

LEIA

Aaaaaaaaah!

 

Wookie sounds off-stage.

 

SOLO She’s okay, Chewie. How’s he look, Doc? Not all-

 

Han makes a messed up face.

 

LEIA

You make one Jaba the Hut joke and so help me God...

SOLO
I’m not making a Jaba joke, but I do want to know if he looks like me. I mean, there was that-

LEIA
You kiss your brother one time and- Ahhhhhhh!

OBGYN

Almost there! One more push!

LEIA

Ahhhhhhh!

 

Baby is born. ObiGyn wraps her in a medical gown.

 

SOLO

How is he, doc?

OBGYN
She is beautiful.

 

Chewie laughs from hallway.

 

SOLO

Laugh it up, fuzzball.

OBIGYN

Would you like to hold her, your highness?

LEIA

Yes. I hope you’re not too disappointed, Han.

SOLO

I’m ecstatic. You’re okay, and she’s healthy-

Baby cries. Teasing Leia

Great, now I’ve got two helpless princesses ordering me around. I’ll get her a Jar-jar Binky.

 

LEIA

Nobody wants a Jar Jar binky.

 

SOLO

Sure she does. Chewie, bring in the binky.

Chewie makes a wookie sound. But then the baby’s arm can be seen raising up. The Force music plays. A binky on fishing line goes to the baby.

OBGYN

Bout time we had a female jedi.

LEIA

I’ll drink to that.

SOLO

I love you.

LEIA
I know.

 

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