AUTHOR EVENT

November 28, 2015

 

Directed by Carmen Bush
With Sarah David, Alexaendrai Bond, Laura Peterson & Anne Yumi Kobori

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
RUBY – female – any age – any race – over-enthusiastic superfan awaiting a book

reading.

DESTINY – female – any age – any race – over-enthusiastic superfan awaiting a book reading.

LINDA – female – any age – any race - bookstore owner, event host, beleaguered, cynical, exhausted

SAVANNAH VON WOODBURNE – female – any age – any race -- self-published fantasy author, confident, diva-ish, acts more famous than she is

 

Lights up on an empty podium. Opposite it are a bank of 6-8 chairs, only 2 of which are filled. In the chairs are RUBY and DESTINY, two super-geek superfans. They hold several books each and can barely contain their excitement.

 

RUBY
Shut up, it’s about to start.

DESTINY
I didn’t say anything.

RUBY
Seriously, shut up.

DESTINY
Sorry. I’m excited. Oh man. Oh no.

 

She dry heaves and then starts breathing loudly into a paper vomit bag.

 

RUBY
Destiny, shut up!

 

LINDA approaches the podium. DESTINY and RUBY seize up with psychotic anticipation.

 

LINDA

Okay, this seems like everybody. Hello. My name is Linda, I own this bookstore. Today, it is my pleasure to introduce acclaimed local author Miss Savannah Von Woodburne. Savannah has spent the last decade writing an immersive, detailed and astoundingly robust series of fantasy books, all of which were self-published as e-books on her blog. Dubbed the “Adequation Neuftet” by her fan club—

RUBY
Holy crap, that’s us!

LINDA
-- her works have gained dozens of downloads and one honorable mention at the regional Selfie Awards for self-published authors. And now, she has agreed to grant her first public appearance in years. So, without further ado, here to read an excerpt from her newest, and rumored final entry in the Neuftet, entitled The Jar With a Bell in It, please join me in giving a warm, Book Mongers welcome to Savannah Von Woodburne.

 

SAVANNAH graces the podium, owning the room. She wears a long cloak over her shoulders and a wide-brimmed hat with large sunglasses. Super celebrity.
DESTINY and RUBY freak the fuck out.
SAVANNAH basks in the praise, then has them settle down. They’re both hyperventilating. DESTINY breathes into the vomit bag.

 

SAVANNAH
Yes. Yes! Thank you! Thank you all – two of you. It’s a pleasure and a primal exhaltation to be treading these literary boards. Yes, feel me, I am Savannah Von Woodburne. Let us begin.

 

SAVANNAH pauses, annoyed. She looks up to Linda.

 

SAVANNAH
Ahem. (impatient beat) AHEM!

 

LINDA moves to her, removes her sunglasses and wide-brimmed hat and opens the book on the podium.

 

SAVANNAH
Thank you, Linda, my empowered canary dove.

RUBY
YOU’RE THE GREATEST!

DESTINY
BOOK SEVEN THE COLOR MAGENTA CHANGED MY LIFE!

LINDA
Yes, I love you all.

 

DESTINY passes out for a moment. SAVANNAH reads.

 

SAVANNAH

(reading emphatically)

“It had been seventy-three months since the last of the male species had died out in Quadrant Alpha Beta. The elders told us the extinction of the XY line would bring plentiful harvest and diplomatic harmony, but nothing could have been closer to being far away from the truth. The truth was very far away, indeed.”

RUBY
Savannah! Savannah!

SAVANNAH

(trying to read through the commotion)

“My lifeforce replicator had been strained through authoritarian floggings. The smaller ones had come to call me the She-then (like Heathen)“

DESTINY

Hey Savannah!

LINDA
Please, girls, let her finish.

RUBY

(beat)

Savannah!

SAVANNAH
Yes, what is it? What question couldn’t wait for Narnia the She-then’s backstory?

RUBY
I’m sorry, it’s just – umm – we think you’re – you’re – oh, man, I’m shaking --

DESTINY
I named myself after the character Destiny in Book Three: Handmaidens That Run with Foxes!

SAVANNAH Understandable.

RUBY
Savannah – Miss Von Woodburne – we – we wrote a play set within the Adequation Omniverse, we dedicated it to you.

LINDA

Jesus Christ.

SAVANNAH
Honestly, I’m flattered, yet still remain mildly insulted over your flagrant disregard for my emphatic reading.

DESTINY

She’s mad.

RUBY
No – NOOOOO don’t be mad!

LINDA
Can we take it down a notch, please?

RUBY
We waited in line for three days!

DESTINY
We haven’t eaten!

LINDA
There was no line.

RUBY

Oppressor!

LINDA
Ooookay, maybe it’s time to leave.

 

Linda tries to escort Ruby and Destiny off the premises. They protest, kick and scream

 

SAVANNAH
Stop, mine Linda! They obviously hold me in high esteem, as they should. Allow them to present their arcane drama, if for nothing else than mine own amusement.

LINDA
I don’t know if that’s a good idea—

 

RUBY and DESTINY immediately jump into character, starting with an elaborate, ridiculous handshake routine. RUBY rips off her clothes, revealing a shiny, skin-tight gold leotard thing. DESTINY pulls a helmet from her bag and puts it on. They both brandish crappy, homemade weapons.

 

DESTINY
‘Tis I, Velvet Salsa, the misunderstood villain from Book Five: The Ethical Hussy. I have returned from Space Prison to exact vengeance.

RUBY
You’re no match for Keisha Thorax, protector of the harum, champion of the widows!

 

They engage in a terribly choreographed fight, knocking over chairs, making a horrible mess, maybe while singing their own theme song. LINDA reacts accordingly. SAVANNAH remains indifferent.

Ruby subdues Destiny, prepares to deliver the death blow.

 

RUBY
Your censorship and pro-patriarchy views will spell your downfall, Velvet Salsa.

DESTINY
But all I ever wanted – was to be loved.

 

RUBY drops her weapon, stands Destiny up, and they embrace.

 

DESTINY
We can co-exist, peacefully.

 

They stand forward and bow. There is no applause.

 

RUBY
So? What’d you think?

DESTINY
We think – umm – it would make a nice companion piece for the middle sequence – books four through six – umm – we love you.

SAVANNAH

(long, indifferent beat, then a happy switch)

Yeah, that’ll work.

RUBY

REALLY?

SAVANNAH
Yes, really, mine fans. Mine children. Come. Embrace me.

 

They both pass out.

 

SAVANNAH
An inspired ending to a whirlpool of emotion. Am I right, Linda?

LINDA

Get out.

BLACKOUT.

END OF PLAY.

 

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