House Meeting

November 4, 2015

 

Directed by: Aeron MacIntyre
With: Hayley Lovgren, Laura Jane Bailey* & Eden Neuendorf

 

LIGHTS UP ON:

The interior of a modest apartment. Something furry, yet unidentifiable sits on a table at center stage. LIDDY, 29, sits at the table carving a miniature pumpkin. BEKKA, 32, stands stage right of the table, watching the door. A an approaching thunderstorm is heard in the distance.

 

BEKKA Why are you doing that?

LIDDY For Halloween. For the kids.

BEKKA
Liddy, we live in an apartment. In the Tenderloin. This

isn't an episode of Friends. LIDDY

Still. It's a nice thing to do.

 

STEPH, 35, ambles on stage, cellphone to her ear.

 

STEPH
Yeah, dude! That shit was off the chain! I didn’t know it

was physically possible to do that with a bowling pin.

She looks at Bekka, who stares coldly back at her.

STEPH
Yeah, Darius I gotta go. My roommate is staring at me like I

killed her dog or something.


She hangs up the phone.

 

BEKKA
Steph, so nice of you to join us. Take a seat.

 

A THUNDERCLAP is heard. Steph stands her ground.

 

BEKKA
Fine. We can do this standing. Steph, we think-

LIDDY Bekka... do I have to stand?

BEKKA
No, Liddy. Just, go back to carving your squash.

LIDDY

Pumpkin!

BEKKA
Liddy. I called this house meeting so we can discuss the...

changes happening around here.

STEPH

Okay.

BEKKA
Let me take you back to a time long ago, when we first moved

in-

STEPH

Here we go.

BEKKA
-and we all cleaned up after ourselves. We used a whiteboard

to track our chores, everything was in its place, and everyone was respectful of quiet time-

 

Steph mimes falling asleep, then waking herself up with a snore. Liddy stifles a laugh.

 

BEKKA (CONT'D)
-we had nice dinner parties with nice people, we went wine

tasting in Sonoma, and we all got along perfectly. It was harmony. Harmony and bliss.

LIDDY
I think we have different memories.

BEKKA

Liddy.

STEPH
So you want us to go back in time, is that it?

BEKKA
I just think we need to reevaluate our living situation.

LIDDY
Look, Steph. You know we, like, totally love you right? But your new... lifestyle is, like, really starting to affect us. Like, last month I came into the house, and there were, like, mud and paw prints all over the apartment.

STEPH

I cleaned that up.

BEKKA
What about the intestine incident?

STEPH

What, hm?

BEKKA

When Liddy and I came back from brunch, and there was a trail of blood and intestines running from the front door all the way back to your room?

STEPH

I cleaned that up too.

LIDDY

I love brunch.
BEKKA

Liddy!
STEPH

Come on guys, it hasn't been all that bad.

BEKKA
How about when you attacked that old lady and her grandkids at IKEA?

STEPH
They lived. I just heard the youngest got into a charter school on a disability waiver. That kid has a better life without his legs, trust me.

BEKKA
Do I need to even bring up the dead animals in the fridge?

STEPH

Should I just put them anywhere?

 

Steph slowly drags the dead animal off the table.

 

BEKKA
Steph. We've been friends for a long time. But I think... we think... it's time for you to find another place to live.

STEPH
In San Francisco? Are you kidding me? This rental market is murder!

BEKKA

Well you'll blend right in.

STEPH

Liddy, you're on board with this?

LIDDY
I dunno, Steph. I mean, I just wanted to move in with my friends and, like, live in a fun house. I never signed up to live with a werewolf.

STEPH
So you live with a werewolf. Big deal. What’s the worst that could happen?

 

Steph and Liddy are silent.

 

STEPH 
Look, for the record, I never wanted to be a werewolf.

BEKKA
You let your boyfriend, who is a werewolf, bite you. You asked him to do it.

STEPH
I thought it was a kinky sex thing.

BEKKA
What is this, fifty shades of werewolf? No one cares how it happened. We just... we want you to leave. You're a monster for chrissakes! 

STEPH

I am not a MONSTER!

 

A THUNDERCLAP is heard, and the lights cut out. GROWLING and THRASHING NOISES and a loud SCREAM are heard. The lights come back up. Liddy is on the ground, covered in blood. Steph's mouth is bloody, and she now has wolf ears on her head.

 

STEPH

(looking at Liddy) Aw shit. You would think my low light vision would be better than that.

BEKKA
Stephanie Anne Smythe! How... on Earth... am I supposed to clean this up in time to show your room tonight?

STEPH

You're already showing my room?

BEKKA
Yes. I am. And now I have to find two roommates before the end of the month. Thanks.

 

Liddy stirs on the ground.

 

LIDDY

Guys...

BEKKA

You're alive!

STEPH

That is no bueno.

 

Liddy sits up.

 

LIDDY

You know what I could go for

right now?

BEKKA

A hospital?

LIDDY
A big, juicy, raw steak. Like, bloody, dripping flesh I can, like, rip apart with my teeth.

BEKKA

Nooooope. Nope nope nope.

 

Bekka exits. Steph holds up the dead animal.

 

STEPH

Bekka! What about your dog?

 

No response. Steph shrugs it off.

 

LIDDY
So, what's the coolest part about being a werewolf? Oh my god, is there like, some kind of werewolf sisterhood where we all hang out and talk about were-boys and drink martinis?

 

STEPH

Yes. It's just like that.

 

LIGHTS FADE.

 

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