A Night to Remember
Directed by Mario Gonzales With Jess Thomas, Colin Johnson, Melissa Keith & Manuela Aronofsky
Characters
Slivestor “Sliv”- He’s a long-term swinger. He’s vibrant but chill. He’s likely to not be seen at the front door of the club because there’s a small group of 25 sitting around him. He’s a vampire. Currently for entertainment and a sense of a legitimate job, he swings into 3 ways with couples in order to spice up their sex life. He’s a professional, but he’s also a professional sexy dude.
Polly- Domineering in almost every way. A real A-Type go getter. She’s bored with her husband Chrisris.
Chris- Means well. All around a good guy but he’s not very observant or engaged in the world around him.
Mrs. Bakerman- Slivestor’s next door neighbor that probably has several cats and spends a lot of time with them. Which means when she sees a human she asks a lot of questions and doesn’t really stop talking.
Setting: Slivestor’s apartment. There’s not much there a table with 2 Chris and a blanket on the ground with 1 pillow. I imagined the T.V. placed where the audience is. Chris, Polly and Slivestor are entering after a lightly entertaining dinner and are headed up to the house for a “night cap.”
Slivestor: (Entering and going immediately for a bottle of wine) I give you- Casa de Sliv.
Polly: Wow, it’s even swankier than dinner.
Chris: That’s the biggest T.V. I’ve ever seen. Why not just buy a projector?
Polly: Chris!-
Chris: -What? It’s an honest question.
Polly: That’s a weird question. That’s exactly what I was talking about on the way over.
Slivestor: (To Polly) It’s okay. (To Chris-pouring wine) Why get the projector, when you can have a T.V. the size of a projection screen! Why blow it up? Just let it be big.
Chris: Are you still talking about the T.V.?
Polly: Shut up and take notes.
Slivestor: I’m gonna go freshen up. Please, make yourself comfortable. (Hands them a glass of wine)
Chris: Thanks. (Slivestor watches as Chris sits down and looks at a pile of remote controls)
Polly: Thank you, Slivestor.
Slivestor: Please, call me “Sliv”, my mother called me Slivestor. Pardon moi. (Exits)
Chris: Which of these do you think turns it on?
Polly: We’re here to spice up our sex life. Figure out which one turns the sexy on and then put it down.
Chris: I’m feelin’ weird about the dude thing. We shoulda just gone to a strip club-
Polly: You chose tails! Tails was strippers, heads was sex therapist.
Chris: I thought you meant something a little less hands on.
Polly: Do you wanna get laid.?
Chris: Yeah, I just- you know…I thought this would work itself out.
Polly: No, this time I’m getting some follow-thru. Three times if I’m lucky!
Slivestor Returns wearing a robe and carrying a box of various “tools”. He makes a grand gesture and the lights go down
Chris: Whaaaaaat?
Polly : Oh my. (Noticing the box) What is that?
Slivestor: These are possibilities. Or “ice pulverizors” I’m more than happy to demonstrate how any of these things work, just let me know what piques your interest.
Chris: (Pulling out a staple gun) What is this for?
Slivestor: Have you ever tested the limits of the scrotum? (Chris shrieks at this)
Polly: Oh, can we do that?
Slivestor: Would you like me to show you?
Chris: NO!
Polly: What’s the worst that could happen?
Slivestor: Excuse me for a moment. (He goes to the door and answers) Hello.
Mrs. Bakerman: I thought I heard a shriek. Do you have someone over again?
Slivestor: Oh, no.
Mrs. Bakerman: Hello! I’m Eloise Bakerman. I live next door in apartment 265.
Polly: Hi I’m…Jackie.
Chris: Chris.
Slivestor: We were just entertaining, Eloise. We’re not done yet. (He escorts her out) Thanks for checking in, though. Have a good night. See you later.
Mrs. Bakerman: Let me know if you need anything! Just yell- I’m right through the wall.
Polly: Goodbye!
Slivestor: (Shuts the door) Don’t encourage her. She doesn’t stop talking. Ever. It’s bad she knows we’re here.
Chris: Sounds like a certain mother in law I know.
Polly: Can you refrain from dickish comments about my mother while I’m standing here?
Slivestor: Friends, Casa de Sliv is a hostile free zone. It’s a lair of love- please, only passive aggression.
Polly: I’m so sorry.
Slivestor: It’s okay, Polly. Now, lets all (There’s a noticeable change in his voice and in Polly and Chris’ demeanor) Reelaaax.
Chris: I feel so good.
Polly: Oh, you’re good, Slivestor
Slivestor: Please call me Sliv.
Chris: Did you drug us-
Slivestor: No. I’m a vampire
Polly: Ha! Sexy like a vampire.
Slivestor: Because I am a vampire.
Chris: Ooh. I’m down to play a Vampire.
Slivestor: No. I AM a Vampire.
Polly: Really?
Chris: Ah! (Faints)
Polly: Really?
Slivestor: Yes. Should we help-
Polly: Bite me.
Slivestor: What?
Polly: Bite me. Look at me. I’m in my prime, baby! I could move away from this lump and move on up. I’ve seen Interview with a Vampire. I’ve seen how you roll. Lets eat some shit!- Bite me!
(Knock on the wall)
Mrs. Bakerman: (Through the wall) Is everything okay in there?
Polly: Yes, Mrs. Bakerman! (To Slivestor) Bite me.
Mrs. Bakerman: I thought I heard a loud thump?
Slivestor: It’s fine, Eloise. Go ahead and turn on some Netflix. (To Polly) No.
Mrs. Bakerman: Okay then.
Slivestor: It’s nothing like Interview with a Vampire. Why do you think I live in an apartment like this? Why do you think I’m sooo not glamorous? And as for the sex, look at my job-
Polly: You bring couples together.
Slivestor: It’s so I can try kinky things.
(beat)
Polly: Oh.
Slivestor: Don’t you see. I’ve been stuck on this planet for…I don’t know, I stopped counting after 420! I’ve tried everything.- everything you could imagine sexually. I’ve seriously considered writing my own modern Kama Sutra- the solo person’s guide to technological use.
Polly: Whoa.
Slivestor: It’s bad. Some days I think I should take Vlad’s push-broom to the heart and end it all with one glorious orgasmic finish.
Polly: Is that a thing.
Slivestor: For a hot minute in the late 1400’s.
Polly: I’ve got an idea. If you’re not gonna bite me, lets put you out of your misery tonight. When DB wakes up, we’ll finish what we came for and when you’re ready, I’ll drive a stake in your heart.
Slivestor: Are you seeing a therapist at all?
Polly: No. Why?
Slivestor: You seem awfully ready to kill something.
Polly: You just said-
Slivestor: No you’re right. My time has come. This is it. The Coup-de-Gras. This calls for ceremony. I have just the thing, hold on.
(Slivestor Exits and Chris awakens)
Chris: Oh god. We’re still here.
Polly: Relax, it’s all figured it out.
Chris: What’s figured out?
Polly: Sliv is a Vampire (Chris begins to yelp but Polly silences him with something)- No screeching! Sliv is a Vampire. He’s done everything-sexually speaking. He’s bored, so we’re gonna help him put an end to it.
Chris: You mean kill him?!
Polly: No you idiot. We’re going to help him ceremoniously commit suicide.
Chris: That’s killing him!
Slivestor: (Re-entering) Oh good, you’re up. Did you fill him in?
Polly: Yep.
Slivestor: So…This is how it goes. You stand to my front and you stand to my back. I’ll count to 3 and the two of you will lunge forward, and with all the warrior inside of you, plunge these ceremonious stakes into me.
Chris: Uhhh, I dunno.
Polly: Chris, the man bought us dinner.
Slivestor: It’s the honorable way for a Vampire to die. You’ll be doing me a tremendous honor.
Chris: I can’t take the life of someone.
Slivestor: I’m not alive. I am undead.
Chris: No way!
Slivestor: Don’t do this for me. Do this for you. Allow this to be a bonding moment that brings you together for the rest of your lives. Know this, you’re the only couple to be given the chance to walk out of this apartment. So, feel good about that.
Polly: I can feel good about that. I’m kinda hot thinkin’ about it.
Chris: Babe, you really want this? And I’m truly going to get laid out of this horrible circumstance? (Sighs) Then lets do it. But tomorrow morning, you have to call a therapist. A real therapist- for the mind. (To Slivestor) No offence.
Slivestor: Oh, of course. None taken.
Polly: Fine. Lets do this.
Slivestor: Good. Here. (He gives them the stakes)
Chris: Whoa.
Polly: Oh shit, these are so official?
Slivestor : Yes. They are 16th Century Austrian Long Stakes with flexible handle.
Chris: Okay, now that it’s got a historical twist I’m feeling better about the situation.
Slivestor: Good. I’ll stand right here. Assume the positions. (They get into position) Good. Oh, Let me get the lights. (He snaps his fingers- the lights go out) On the count of three, ready 1…2…3.
All three make an audible battle cry. There is a beat and the lights come back on. Polly and Chris have stabbed each other with there stakes and are stuck in a standing position. Slivestor is standing alive in the middle, but he’s turned 90°. Mrs. Bakerman comes running in.
Mrs. Bakerman: Did you finally do it? I’m starvin’.
Slivestor: These ones were tough. They kept bickering all goddamn night. Grab your straw. Bon appétit.
Mrs. Bakerman: Cheers.
(They both take a drink)
Mrs. Bakerman (Simultaneously) Slivestor
Zinfindel! Garlic!
(Lights Out)