Fate's Last Call
Directed by Adam Sussman
With Russ Whismore, Nima Sloan, Sarah David & A Swan
Cast of Characters
Bartender: A bartender. A spinner, measurer, and snipper of yarns.
Zeus: King of the Gods, ex-husband to Hera
Irony: A hipster.
Swan: An amorous swan.
Scene
The Fates: An old fashioned bar for the old gods.
Time
Timeless. Also, now.
BARTENDER: Usual? (Zeus nods.) Stormy Weather, coming up.
Bartender mixes drink. Zeus Sighs. Bartender
ignores it. Zeus sighs again. Bartender gives in.
What’s the matter, buddy?
ZEUS: Times ain’t what they was.
BARTENDER: Say that again. Economy. Had to let my sisters go, and now I do the work of 3.
ZEUS: The bacchanals we enjoyed, eh? The sacrifices, the festivals, the nymphs...
BARTENDER: The tips...
ZEUS: Life was so simple. Reign supreme, beget children.
BARTENDER: Well, you did.
ZEUS: Sure, rivalries erupted, wives got jealous-
BARTENDER: Women objected to being incinerated, stolen by horny bulls and swans-
ZEUS: I’m saying- okay, it wasn’t perfect. But it was simple. A god was a god, he knew his place in the pantheon. Where’s Cupid now?
BARTENDER: Working for Tinder. If you can’t beat ’em...
ZEUS: Dionysus teaches yoga. Hera left me for some Google exec. Used to be the mortals honored us or they got a mighty smitin’. Boom. Clear. What happened to us?
BARTENDER: Monotheism.
ZEUS: Ugh. So dull. Nary an orgy to be found.
BARTENDER: Not so different really. Creation story, flood story-
Hipster walks in, Zeus doesn’t see her. She nods to the Bartender. Bartender pulls out a PBR.
ZEUS: It wasn’t just monotheism. The neighborhood’s changing. Crowding us out. Smug, self-satisfied-
IRONY: Sounds like the death rattle of the patriarchy bemoaning his dwindling relevance.
BARTENDER: Can’t say I disagree, Z.
ZEUS: You serve her kind?
BARTENDER: Her money’s green.
IRONY: So’s his envy.
ZEUS: Aren’t you clever? Cleverness ain’t Power.
IRONY: Saw Hera with Jimmy at the golf course. Sounds like you’re having trouble releasing the Kraken.
BARTENDER: Girls, girls, you’re both pretty.
IRONY: Your time’s over, old man. Make room for the new gods.
ZEUS: Gods! Ha! You’re no gods. Where are your wonders, your awe and majesty?
IRONY: Majesty my ass. Worship? Money replaced you long ago. Wonders and awe? Check out the Apple Store.
ZEUS: Bullshit. People cowered in my presence. They planned their lives around keeping me appeased.
IRONY: Well now, people fear me.
Bartender and Zeus laugh.
ZEUS: No one fears you. Might fear skinny jeans chaffing-
IRONY: You’re wrong. You’re the old way. Set arbitrary rules and fry the non-compliers.
BARTENDER: Alright, slick, what’s the new way?
IRONY: Individual dogma.
ZEUS: That doesn’t even make sense.
IRONY: Locally Sourced Small Batch Private Hell. Artisanal guilt trippery. Lovingly hand crafted personalized shit shows to keep the mortals in fear.
BARTENDER: You have to admit, the kid has flair.
IRONY: Death is nothing. Nowadays people live in fear of leaked internet photos of themselves contradicting their moral maxims. The dentist choking on the candy apple. The pious saint getting caught with his pants down. Vegans eating bacon.
ZEUS: You think being caught doing ironic crappy things is a fate worse than death?
IRONY Indubitably. Hypocrisy exposed on Twitter. Public Humiliation smashes your pantheon.
ZEUS: Hubris!
Zeus prepares to strike Irony with a lightning bolt.
IRONY: Me-bris? What the fuck is he talking about?
ZEUS: No, you fool, HUBRIS!
BARTENDER: You haven’t heard of that before? Interesting.
Zeus rears his lightning again, Irony points at the door. An amorous swan enters.
ZEUS: What are you looking at?
Swan winks at him.
Go away.
Swan attempts to seduce him. A sexy swan dance.
I am not interested. Go aw-
Swan picks Zeus up and carries him off. Irony takes pictures on her phone and posts them on Instagram.
BARTENDER: You enjoyed that, didn’t you?
IRONY: I cannot tell a lie, it was delicious.
BARTENDER: Meh. Your principles don’t encourage good life any more than his. It’s simply "judge not lest ye shall be hoisted in thine own petard." Mild twist. Last call.
IRONY: Just let me post these.
BARTENDER: Last call. He’s not a bad guy, you know.
Irony starts taking selfies.
IRONY: What do you know?
BARTENDER: Oh, I’ve been around a while. Before you. Before him. My sisters and I were pretty well known-
IRONY: If I have to hear one more has-been whinge about how they used to be a big deal, I will literally die. Literally.
Bartender pulls out a spool of yarn. Measures off a length.
You’re a bartender. What power have you ever had?
BARTENDER: Bartenders can always cut you off.
She cuts the thread. Irony drops to the floor. Bartender takes a picture with her phone.